Let's just eliminate all the bullshit, shall we?

Friday, February 22, 2013

Armageddon Outtahere

There's a lot of crazy action and risk-taking when it comes
to a perceived end of all civilization. Everybody's picking
their fave poison during their 'last days on earth, since they
heard it on good authority (facebook page) that it's all
winding down.

Hey, this 'incorrectly predicting the end-of-the-world based on
nonsensical or even made-up pseudo-evidence is old hat. It's
always notes from a psychic or a guy who got some stuff right
(if you stretch credulity to its limits) or the idea that the end of
a method for counting time's passage equates to no more time
passing. (On a similar note; I finished off the final sheet of toilet
paper on the roll in my bathroom this morning, so I guess there's
no more t.p. ever, either!)

Whether you're a general nutter or a religious fanatic,
an Armageddon-outta here send-off party has the vast potential
to go terribly wrong. (As if such a thing should need pointing out!)

Doomsday lovers, conspiracy theorists, nihilists, and
the religious literalists are all vested in the end of the
world being sooner rather than later. Don't let the fact
that folks have been predicting it and planning and hoping
for it for centuries bug ya!

Having a party for these folks may end in them slicing you
open or putting a bullet in you, hoping to spur things on.
Those folks usually get queasy when it comes to taking care
of themselves, though.

It's not the expected end of the world you have to worry about; it's The Day After...when you discover you were cheated!
Here are some hints to that effect.

Some will wake up hung over....

Some will wake up with a strange burning sensation...

Some will wake up in jail, having figured that if the worldwas going to end anyway, there were some folks they
wanted to send on their way early. Maybe they just wanted
the pleasure of being responsible for it.....

Some are in the hospital getting their stomachs pumped--either of the food poisoning, drug overdose, or Rod Stewart/
Elton John variety.....

Some won't wake up at all, taking the suicidal route to avoid an unknown or painful demise.....

And some will wake up in 9 months with a bambino in their arms, the result of a rough and tumble What-Not Hook-up.

So the warning signs and cautionary tales aren't so much from
the Column 'A' of "Here's what to expect in the after world" so much
as trusty Column 'B's "Aw, ya done stepped in it now, son!" variety.


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Southern Family Tree

There are all different kinds of rednecks, as some folks may be
surprised to learn.

Make no mistake about it; I am Southern-born and raised,
Podunkia-based, country-ass redneck....even though many
here would not claim me (or even actively seek to disown me!)

But they're looking at the incidentals; the externals they disagree
with or don't care for. They, too, fail to recognize the evidence
of multiple clans...separate sides of the Southern Family Tree.

What my fellow Southerners get sidetracked by and turned off
by is my openly-drawn-to-other-men, artistic-nature-having,
leftist politics-loving, impish self. But that's only part of identity.

I'm on the shared branch of "Golly-Gosh-Darn-Sweetie-Sugar"-
talking, love-to-hear-my-own-voice mouth-running, take the
neighbors a Tupperware of extra food, say-too-much straight-
shooter, corn-bread-fed, okra-loving, piss in the yard, big-dog-
having, scavenging-and-thrifting addicted, wrestling-watching,
contempt-for-authority-sporting, Don't-give-a-rip fashion-impaired,
crazy Southerner.

Fun for parties and special events.

But I am most definitely not of the divergent branch (although, I
suppose that's what they would consider me and mine) which
consists of porch-yelling, chain-smoking, Nascar-loving, gun-
toting-and-worshipping, tobacco-spitting, double-speak-spouting,
half-assed-mouthpiece-for-Baby-Jesus strutting, country-morals-
having, "What-I-heard-was--" endless gossiping, honor-bound
pot-stirrers and shit-starters, and so forth.

But these different branches might as well be different planets.

Even as we live side-by-side, often times the only real common
tie is a willingness to be 'extra-related' to cousins, wink-wink,

And really, that just creates more animosity since it creates a
competitive market.


Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Religion Up In Smoke

So Le Pope has 'stepped down,' eh?

Not cut out for the task of being Chief Asshole.
Mentally insufficient to keep spreading
those lies, destroying those lives, and putting that spin
on pay-off monies for abuses.

Really and true; Big deal.

Other than all the little Catholics going titty-twister
berserk over it, it means less than nothing.
Another asshole will be selected to fill the void
and go through the motions;
it's not as if the position has been abolished.

Yeah...you couldn't sell it, honey.....don't beat yourself up.

You were backing a losing horse.


Sunday, February 10, 2013

Nobody stays at home sick anymore!

I know the poor must work even while sick, but please
take precautions. Please handle yourself like you're grown
and know how.

Here at the bottom of the food chain (in both towns and jobs,)
the employers don't give a hang whether or not workers
show up to perform their tasks with a hangnail, a hangover,
or actively infected with the Bubonic Plague.
"Can you stand? Can you count change? Then tough it out!"

No concern for consumers or employees, that's a given.
(If they did, they would supply--and demand use of) gloves,
masks and copious amounts of hand sanitizer. That is in fact
the least they could do if they will not be socially responsible
enough to keep sick folks out of the workplace (handling
money, infecting the air, spreading germs on counters, etc.)

So, ignoring that perfect fictional world's nonexistence, I
plead with all the poor working stiffs; take it upon yourself.
Have enough self respect to contain your germs.
If you're afraid calling in sick will cost you your job or keep
you from paying rent, then at least follow some basic guidelines!

-Don't wipe your nose and then pick up a plate!
-Don't sneeze into your hand and then go back to work!
-Don't ignore hand-washing between handling anything you touch!
-Step away from people when you have to sneeze or cough.
-Cover your entire mouth--with an arm or shoulder, not your hands.
-Don't tell people you "aren't contagious" when you're dripping snot
and burning up.
-Use a disposable napkin/paper towel to grab door handles.

Even if you hate your job as much as it would be understandable
for you to hate it; please don't take it out on the rest of us!

P.S.: For the dip-shits among you, this guide also relates to attending
church, shopping, going to the library, or any other interactive outings
that brings your nasty ass near me!