Let's just eliminate all the bullshit, shall we?

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I feel as though the more I experience, the less
I know anything. Maybe life and people are
like hot dogs; just determine you're going to
enjoy them, and don't ask too many questions
about origins and particulars

I have this rage in me, and it never goes away.
I think, at heart of it, is that the more I discover
humanity, the more I realize how little I want to do
with it. The more I see my imperfections, the more
I know about nothing being reliable...it's all a bit
jarring and much. Is this all there is?

People come at you, so fierce and unknowable,
and they decimate you, and before you know it,
no matter how much you try...the rage. The need to
protect. To defend. To be the one thing that stands
between the entire world and your demise.

Fear and judgment play a part. Ego plays a part.
Assuming intention that may not be there.
Reliving past hurt and seeing through its eyes.
Putting the worst of people together and letting it
outweigh the good.

But here's the new reveal for me; people aren't
one dimensional. They aren't 'evil' or 'out to get you,'
necessarily, no matter how clear cut that appears.

It's complicated. I keep going back to not trusting
that basic truth.

And behind their tough exterior and defensiveness;
fragility. The same fear, doubt, humanity, struggle
and all the worst of me, but in different packaging so
that at first it is unrecognizable as similar.

I fear I have discovered too late that my ferocity
was much for what was required. That I see the
true vulnerability that lay in all people, only now that
I have crossed a line that can't be undone.

And yet...I don't know.

I don't know anything, save that I know nothing.

What's the balance between promoting and
caring for self, and keeping others at bay?

I am so frustrated by being unable to simply
step back and 'trust' in life to work itself out.
I don't see a big picture.
I don't see things working out if you don't fight tooth
and nail. I know no one is out for us but us.

How can you push on with life if you have no
basic trust in people? In self? In something
'more than'?

I don't know if I was right or wrong in my
assessment of others' wrongdoing....and I know
even less about the appropriateness of my
actions. Do we stand by and allow hurts to
occur? Do we make mistakes for the greater good?
Do we stand by people we care about no matter what?

I can't get a firm answer on any of it.

I took advice; I made a decision and I acted,
and now I must stand by my decision. I hope
that my hardened heart is not a mistake.
I don't want others to suffer, and I don't want
to be the one to cause pain.

I bought the lie, and believed people to be as strong
as they pretend. I didn't realize that they, like me,
are just doing the best they can....faking it and
treading water.

Would I rather be right, or happy?
Would I rather be strong, or kind?

I wish I knew what was right, even for a moment.
I wish I had a reset button, or could do a mindmeld.

I wish I knew if apologies were any good.
(I wish I weren't concerned that I never got any as
a rationale for not handing any out.)

It's hard to forgive, and open yourself back up
to hurt and vulnerability.

I'm torn between wanting to take care of others
and taking care of self, because frankly, the
two seem mutually exclusive.

Can it be that you can reach out to others and
show kindness, even without trusting them?
Like everything else in life, I'm unsure.
I pray for my strength--and others'--every day.


Saturday, June 25, 2011

Insiders & Outsiders; The Differences

THE DIFFERENCES: (in greater detail)

This then is the primary differential, perhaps; that
Outsiders have a listless lack of interest in themselves,
having accepted role of sad sack and loser.
*They have no real expectation for life or self.
*They see themselves as having no power, or ability to
change; OTHERS have control over them.
*Only others can save them.
*Others' opinions constructed and continue to dominate them.
*Only others can validate and appreciate them.
*They are preternaturally subsumed with the past and its
Insiders, though, have a false sense of godliness;
* They fancy themselves supernaturally smarter and
better and more deserving, self-sufficient and superior.
*They have control over everything and everyone.
*They allow no one inside, let no vulnerability or real
feelings emerge. (Of course, this merely covers the
insecurity at root of all this posturing, but once the lie
starts, it has a life of its own. The stakes of countering
it heighten every day.)
*Insiders do everything they can to pretend the past
never happened and erase all signs of vulnerability.

(Ego is central to both states; centering on a view of
self--either as positive or negative--being their sole
source. Defensive about self. Constantly vigilant against
persecution. Correcting. Challenging. Ever seeking
the unmet original need of a child--who are naturally
egocentric--and therefore suspended in that regressed

The difference is interesting; Insiders suppress their
insides and play games on the outsides. They appear
to do well externally but have an internal frozen wasteland.
They appear to be well externally but the internal is off.

Outsiders on the other hand seem the epitome of not
being in touch, not having any external supports or value
to society, yet their insides tend to be truth seeking and
peaceful and 'attuned.' They just have no idea what to do
with it.


I figure the vast majority of humanity comes from a
horrible, broken, dysfunctional background. Maybe
only 5 to 10 % of people are truly happy, if that. Once
you realize that everyone is playing the "Impress the
Neighbors/Family/Friends/Coworkers" Game, and once
you realize how impossibly hard it is to ever truly know
another human being, the epidemic is revealed.

Our great American Passtime is Pretense-and-Illusion-

So even the minute percentage of presumed 'happy'
people may be false; who knows? We'll assume for sake
of argument that happy/contented/at peace people are real.
The rest of us are working through our shit the best we
can (which is to say, 'not too hot') and we are divided
into one of two categories.


All survivors of abuse either externalize (turn outwards)
or internalize (turn inwards.)

1. Those who strike outwardly and (typically) use/hurt
others (whether thinking or unconsciously attempting
to 'flip' the dynamic of abuse they endured,) do well
for themselves in the outside world. Rationalize and
justify their dark side with visions of superiority and
good survivior instincts. Insiders. (Sharks, narcissists,
users, intimidators, hot-shots, Type A personalities,
control freaks, psychopathic, etc.)

2. Those who strike in hurt themselves (self-destructive)
and continue the pattern of abuse within. Seek out
similar minded abusers to stage their own suffering,
subconsciously or unkowingly masochistically acting
(or failing to act) in ways that lead to sabotage of health.
No concern for self or aggressiveness in self-defense.
Outsiders. (Submissives, passives, victims, losers,
wallowers, sociopathic, depressives, etc.)

Both groups can actually be People-Pleasers;

*Insiders want to people please because it lends control
over situations and the ultimate messy situation of human
feelings. It also stems from a need to determine one's
own worth through others.

*Outsiders tend more towards passive codependency
where they give up aspects of self to adhere to the needs
of another in order to have their 'love.' (I have seen the
'source' of a narcissist referred to as someone with
'internalized narcisissm.')

All "codependency" (or simply, 'dependency') is a
form of weakness and addictive compulsive behavior.
It is a manipulation of others'emotions and a playing of
roles. It is seeking and finding an external source of
energized faux 'power' (whether as controller or as
victim) that is not a legitimate inner state.


As survivors, we seek out the thrill of that most
impacting of emotional 'highs,' the abuse itself.
Sick as it sounds, much as we want to deny it. We
are drawn to what we know. If what we know is
sick, it is still familiar, and as familiar it is nonetheless
the object of affection.

After all, without the subjectiveness of having
been raised outside our own household, how would
we know what 'normal' is? We are often keenly aware
of what is 'off' or unhealthy about others' experience
(though mostly people keep it to themselves and
disallow an insight or feedback that could alleviate
confusion and imprisonment) even as we are
ignorant of our own neurosis.

Even after acute understanding, research, and
pursuit of cures or new relations, most people
cycle back to what they know and what they are
so deeply drawn to, even after knowing the negative
impact it will have on them. Ruts, patterns, systems,
hardwiring, learned behavior, etc. etc.

Insiders Vs. Outsiders

The 'Perfect' Family ?

'Dysfunctional' ?

For a long time, I actually fell prey to believing
the myth that 'happy, shiny people' really did
have it all. I believed their annoying "dressed in
white" Christmas cards, their constant name-
dropping and perpetual toothy smiles.

Finally, though, it clicked. That the world is
in fact divided into two halves. But it isn't so
much 'Haves" and "Have Nots," (though that
does come into play--read on.)

No, the world is divided into two camps, but the
revelation is that both camps seem made up of 
people who are out of control, who are led by
neurosis and addiction and compulsiveness. Things
are every bit as dread as I believed them to be
for dear old humanity. Yay. Vindication...I guess.

But we are two very distinctive masses; the Insiders
and the Outsiders. Here's the breakdown, as I
see it.


Insiders are consumed by the illusion of the lie
of perfection. They are obsessed with presentation,
facade, image, and impression. They suppress all
the 'bad parts' and hide them, from public view.

They keep all legitimate want and need hidden,
as the ultimate shame-based 'good boy' or 'good
girl' is supposed to, but they do what it takes in secret
to accomplish their goals. Since our world is
consumed by bottom line and results, and not actual
character and integrity, they get the best of both worlds;
they get to succeed and appear to be phenomenal people
while doing it.

Again, our world thrives on the sickness of duplicity
and duality, so this thinking and living does quite well.
"Knowing how to play the game," is often the line
used by such folks to justify all manner of bad behavior.

Typically, these folks are going to be rich or very well
off middle class, because of two reasons. One, they
are expert deceivers, and can produce the results people
want (people pleasing) while surreptitiously meeting their
own needs. Two, they are typically driven and fanatical
about proving themselves, making their mark, getting
and keeping money, being the best, etc.

They feel no sense of relief unless they are besting
someone or getting 'more.' So here we see the mani-
festation of the inverted sickness; workaholism,
perfectionism, eating disorders, religious fervor and
fanaticism, need to 'control', obsessive-compulsive
disorder, surgery and body-change addiction, piousness,
materialism/consumption, and others.

'Looking good' at any cost is a definite sickness, and
its effects are many fold and multi-generational.

It's all about the illusion of wellness, rather than content.
Feelings and truth are not allowed, even in private. The
layers of secrecy--the denial of self-- runs to the core.

These sicknesses directly relate to suppressing one's
true nature and having an out-of-control demand
on self and others. Never being satisfied. But it's all
in the realm of what society dictates is 'good' behavior;
having it all, looking good, having a 'perfect' family,
and so on. The desire to maintain appearances surpasses
the need for real happiness.

Probably it's safe to say that, since such ideals are
impossible to maintain and control, these families are
also prime candidates for such secrecy, shame, and
suppression based problems as infidelity, sexual
dysfunction, incest, rage-aholics, gambling, hidden drug
addiction, psychopathic behavior coverup, physical
abuse, verbal abuse, and so on.

They seek to deny the shame that was given them by
'proving' it isn't true, yet that shame drives their every

(Things will always come out; hiding and denying them

only changes the method and intensity of their exposure.)


Outsiders tend to be on the other extreme of the
of the spectrum. (There is no middle ground between
the two; they are both unhealthy extremes.
Again, one has more rewards since it plays into a
system of having more material benefits, and thereby
society's approval, but this has its own set of demands
and sacrifices.)

Outsiders wear their feelings and needs on their sleeve,
letting emotions dictate all their life. They change their
personality and mood on a regular basis, affected by
the externals in their world. They tend not to have a
lot of luck with anything requiring consistency or
compromise; jobs, relationships, projects, friendships...
all feel the effect of impermanence.

Apathy and laziness are trademarks of these folks
and the reason behind their dismissal from others'
radars; they are typically whelmed by emotion, afraid
to make decisions, self-doubting, easily intimidated.
Victimhood as a lifestyle.
Their highs and lows and easily-affected hearts are
always in turmoil over what others do. They have little
concept as to how the world works, and are
generally depressed, apathetic, or manic; moderation
is not known. They have no faith in self or the future,
so there appears no reason to try.

Their mal-adapted issues take on the self-destructive
aspects as abject drug and alcohol abuse (and, more
significantly, the 'subculture' and identity of such
destructive patterns,) unprotected sexual addiction,
cutting, obesity (over-eating,) and other means of
addiction that manifest externally.

(Whereas an Insider does everything to show folks
"Look at me, Everything's Great! I'm doing F.I.N.E.!",
an Outsider does their best to say "Look at me! I'm
out of control! Somebody help me! Somebody care!"

Lack of concern for one's own well-being may expand
to encompass hygiene, surroundings, and isolation.
Their external world reflects what they feel they are
worth, which was of course shaped by them believing
the abuse they suffered was deserved. They love easily,
often, and without regard. They lack boundaries and are
childlike in every sense. Irresponsible, blaming, irritable,
demanding, conflict-oriented.

They embrace the shame and rejection that was given,
and seek to enhance and further it.


Insiders keep it all inside and have externals pros,
as well as 'inside' track like cunning, money, etc.

Outsiders are all over the place, externalizing emotions
and appearing on the fringes of society as a result.

Both are byproducts of our largely dysfunctional
society, and specifically a culture of abusive homes
that are not properly regulated or exposed,) but each
manifests in a uniquely divergent way. Each sick, but
each with their own 'pros' and 'cons.'

As an image based society, those who can 'pass'
and 'look good' are bound to do better on average,
for as long as they can maintain the illusion (which
carries with it certain excessive demands of its own
as a lifestyle.)

We tend to view people in terms of behavior, not
their points of origin. By seeing people's personalities
as an outlying of their inner self and their history, we
may have better understanding to who they are and how
they operate, as well as the fact that we're all

Friday, June 24, 2011

Are We On The Same Planet?!?!

I was checking in at my Mother's house the other day, and she was
telling a room full of us that her former brother-in-law, her sister's
husband, had died. She didn't know the details because her sister
had left a message about the information.

She added: "I don't know why she would even bother to call me
and tell me that. I told her years ago that I don't care anything about
him; she was stupid for calling me."

This prompted Mom's roommate to foolishly speak up. "Now that's
your sister! Why wouldn't you have compassion for her?"

Mom launched into a nasty diatribe with jaw clenched and face

Initially, I had a "What the ?!?!" moment, wondering who this crazy
person was to be casting stones at another person in such a situation.
She still had "Pop's" ashes on the damned mantle in revered honor,
16 years later.

Slowly I turned....Step by step....I eased out of the house and
smiled politely as I bade hasty retreat.

It was much more than lack of compassion or being overly
judgemental. Much more.

I have already learned the eternal frustration of contradicting my
mother. I know I will not change her opinion. I know she does
not care about my opinion, even when she is wrong and knows
it. But this was an especially bad situation.

She sat there completely oblivious to the words that she was
speaking. Yes, Uncle Clayton had been a bully and a tyrant
and a drunk. He had abused those 5 cousins of mine in
unimaginable ways. My Aunt was foolish for letting him back
in repeatedly. But that situation only differed from our household
in one way; Everybody in town knew what was going on in
THAT house. Mother had hidden our secrets very well. And
continues the hiding and pretense to this day.

So was this denial? Nobody can be THAT deep in denial,
can they?
Nobody is that oblivious, are they?
She knows...she just can't cope.

Her pain, guilt, embarrassment, shame, etc are too much, and
she has shut down her mind to avoid it. She deflects or projects
 on others, making their 'sins' great while ignoring her own. It's
a common enough thing, even over minor issues. Makes sense
one so volatile would bring about equally vociferous protestations.

We all have different standards for others than we do for ourselves.
It's a byproduct of a self-centered society and an "Every person
for themselves" world.

Auntie has always been considered a disgrace by my Mother
because she is not well educated, has lived in poverty, and has
clung to a man and allowed her life to fall apart IN THE
PUBLIC EYE. She voices her thoughts openly, feels her
emotions regularly, and wears her heart on her sleeve. She is
also a reminder of the past that my Mother always wanted to forget.

But for all of her faults and weaknesses, my Aunt doesn't
deserve to be trounced when she is truly hurting. No one took
my Mother's grief over her husband as opportunity to say "Well,
I guess it was the only way to get you to leave him."

Regardless of how it occurred, my Mother's view of her own
existence is greatly in conflict with reality. I wish I could state
that my own view of self was not similarly flawed.....but a
discerning clue tells me otherwise.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

More of the Same: StoresOnline

Went to a 'free' seminar last night, mostly out of
boredom and just for shits and giggles. I knew
what to expect from the Promises of the brochure
and the "we'll help you make money," but there
was the draw of getting out of the house and grabbing
an MP3 player for my troubles.

StoresOnline hosted what turned out to be a big
commercial for their product, and the 'lures' they
used to convince people to join were VErrrrrrrry


* Condemnation: "If you don't do this, it means
you're unmotivated and not in control of your life."

* Inferred dependence: "You can't do this without
us. You Need us."

* Shaming: "Some of you are only here fopr the free
stuff and aren't interested in hard work."

* Authoritarian stance. "You need someone to tell
you what to do and how to do it."

* Trying the good cop routine (just in case):
 "We really want to be your friend. Won't you help
 us do that?"

* Making you feel a 'part' of something: "We" and
calling people by name and yukking it up...working
the room. Conning folks.

* Blame the victim: "The only way this doesn't work
is if you don't do it right."

* Misdirection/Common Sense: "Joining us is like
inviting money into your home! Don't you want to
be smart?"

* Misdirection, false guarantees, threats, derrogatory
remarks, etc.


Anyway, I get it; they're in business to make money,
and this is how they do it. Not a great pitch, at all,
but they were playing on the gullibility and economic
hardships of a bunch of retirees, unemployed folks,

This guy was a real hard ass, rude, had a real nasty
tone and was very much a snake. I had trouble
believing anyone would fall for the spiel. But he kept
at it with "Some of you weren't smart enough to come
prepared to pay for this" and "Gee, aren't we swell
for hosting this and giving you a free meal?" alternated
with "I guess some of you just came for the free stuff"
and the idea that the company would decide which folks
were 'worthy' of being 'accepted' into the company!

Any time that a company trying to get your business
has to tell you that there is a lot of heat against them
for fraud, admits that you can basically do everything
they're selling on your own, and badgers you to get
you to join.....Be Afraid.

And, anytime you deal with narcisissts and con men;
GENERALLY IS. Nobody is looking to help you.

Nobody is out to give you something for nothing.

What caught my ear is how similar the techniques
between a business and a church or a cult or a
government all are. They are, after all, essentially in
the same game; They are trying to sell you something,
and selling it to you is all that matters to them. There is
no morality, there is not shame, there is no worry over
legalities or harms or inappropriateness. Bottom line
rules. As always.

It was extremely refreshing to see, hear, and feel all
of this from a detached and insightful view, no longer a
naive and myopic accepting stance. The head guy had a
sort of "Biff Jones, former jock and current Bad-Ass"
aesthetic he strived for in his presentation, kind of halfway
balancing between 'high spirited sonuvagun" and major

The rest of the folks were good at what they were there
for; being friendly and keeping everybody chatted up and
feeling good. The extremely gracious and beautiful young
Logan represented a very kindly and relaxed position as
he helped me with my questions. If I had money to burn,
I might would have signed up just for the chance to spend
some more time talking with him. And such is the design.

Anyway; Grab hold of you, by hook or by crook, reel
you in. Use that neediness to be connected. Be the lacking
parent so many are searching for. Shame them or challenge
them into action. Insult them into belonging.

Or just show them the hot guy from Utah with glassy sea
green eyes and a firm ass. Whatever fills the seats.

Maybe they should just put Logan's picture on the ads.
Speed things up a bit. I'd drive to any seminar he was at!
Ahh, the power of an alluring young man who's a predator...
and good at it!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


Try saying that five times fast! It's a mouthful.

Here's the thing;


Yes, it was wrong, and the lie to cover it was wrong.

Many wrong things happen every day.

Let's look at what's really going on here.

Republicans lovvvvvvvve a good sex scandal....so long
as it is happeening to someone else.

When it comes to stained dresses and weenie shots, the
Republican conservatives, the right wingers, the 'moral
majority' (snort! ha...that still gets a laugh!), the uptight,
the Puritanical, the holier than thou, the duplicitous, and
the sex-crazed--all of which are generally the same people--
get their panties in a wad.

Notice, will you, that there was not the media coverage
nor right-wing talking head insanity over any of the closeted
Republican politicians actually found to be sleeping with or
cavorting with young boys in recent years.

Notice, there is no concern, either, over the lies that the
Republican politicians tell regarding Weapons of Mass
Destruction, deficit spending, numbers of people slain,
defense contract spending, reasons for war, when the
hijackers were known, true events of 9-11, and much
much more. Those things are trivial and of NO concern.

Or, at least they are small when placed next to a crotch
shot of an elected official.

The pretense of moral outrage and disgust is ludicrous,
at best. Corrrupt and intentionally demonizing at worst.
The people lambasting Weiner and his 'lack of family values'
are people themselves engaging in secret porn fantasies,
affairs, children out of marraige, etc.

Didn't Palin try and convince her unwed teen daughter to
abort her unborn child in order to save her political career?

Didn't McCain have an affair on his ill wife and leave her

Didn't Newt Gingrich have multiple affairs and marriages--
that we know about?

Don't all these people have the same human hang-ups and
are simply glad someone else got caught?

But none of those people had 'news' made out of it; it was
suggested to be in poor taste to bring up their personal
business. Why the accepted double standard?

Extramarital stuff is personal, it isn't news beyond the fact
that he lied about it, and the distraction from real issues is
vexing to say the least. The abundance of news coverage
only proves that not only are American hung up on and
obsessed with sex (Hmmm--just like the problem Weiner
himself seems to have and is being eviscerated for!) but that
the news is still completely lopsided and imbalanced with
extreme prejudice in favor of conservatives, and not just
on Faux News.

There's an elephant in the room, and it isn't an elected
official's junk shot. Grow up, get over it, speak to what's
legit, and move on.


No Big Surprise

Guess who the number one photo is when you do a google
search for 'dumb broad?'  Ahhh, you got it in one!

Yeah, the official "Beast Whose Name Shall Not Grace
My Lips" is stilllllllll out there. Winner of the "Can't Get Enough
Attention"/Media Saturation/Overexposure Award is running
those never-ending flapping gums of hers.

All those poor girls and women out there, so starved for a
role model, and this is what they have to put up with? Yeesh.

"Espy" scares me...she scares me bad. Why? Not because
she's smart enough to be dangerous. Heavens No! But she is
as stupid as a dead frog, and this country is filled with other
people stupid as dead frogs, and in their monumental stupidity,
they want someone who is 'like' them and doesn't intimidate
them. NOT someone who knows what they're doing.

So there is a possibility that a complete nimrod whose only
claim to fame is media-whoring and an abysmal half-term
as elected official could end up in a great position of power.

Celebrityhood is all it takes, and when goofballs are making the
calls.....Remember Arnold?

Personally,  I'd like to see Kathy Griffin and Julianne Moore
beat the living snot out of her at a debate, and watch the moron
flee in disgrace. I'm also not opposed to a horrible automobile
accident taking care of business.

"Hasta la vista, bimbo."