Let's just eliminate all the bullshit, shall we?

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Dying To Fit In

"Marilyn Mon-Whoa! (Pretty Ugly)"
by Diana Ho

Beauty is always a subjective term, but certainly
we have notions and standardized assumptions in this
world. There are definitive notions of 'popular' and
'worthy' and 'good looking.'

I think people have a very different notion of me
from what is true, at least until they spend time with me.
I've always been the 'Rita Farr.' Rita was
a member of The Doom Patrol, a flawed and freakish
collection of obvious outsiders and 'losers' who came
together as one. They no longer fit into the regular world,
but they had each other.

But Rita looked perfectly normal,
and her 'talent' wasn't naturally obvious. Yet she was
aware, and the one thing she wanted--to simply fit in
and live a 'normal' life--was denied her.

I have fought hard to be as petty and superficial
as anyone I have condemned. I was a male model.
I sought work in TV and motion pictures. I dressed up
and spoke eloquently and acceptably at county commission
meetings and city council meetings. I ran businesses. I
tried to make time myself legit by being worthy of the
affections of a yuppie thoroughbred. But in my heart, it
was always a lie. Striving to keep pace with something I
am not. Seeking attention from outside instead of within.
I have fought a never-ending war against my own weight
and to maintain my vanity.

I just wanted to be loved and accepted, but by the people
I thought 'mattered.' (Mattered 'more', obviously, than the
people who already were appreciative.)

But the real people that have always mattered, that I
have always truly been close to, are the ones I keep coming
back to.

I am drawn to what politicians often claim as the Dead Zone;
the poor, the elderly, the young, and the sick. Outsiders.
And I say it proudly; I am one of them, even if looks are to
the contrary.

I get along with, relate to, and am drawn to the energy of
my fellow unheard voices. Kids that no one pays attention to.
Old people that have been forgotten. Animals no one wants.
The sick, who are shied away from and shunned. The poor,
the disillusioned, the heartbroken. Even as I face these issues
in myself, there is a 'survival instinct' of ignoring them and
avoiding others who share them! 'Career killers,' they might be

Everything in our society is "What can you do for me?"
"What good can come of this?" and so on.

Well, I have to get real. I am who I am. I gain nothing by
denying that I am an awkward comic geek. A philosophy
nerd and movie buff. A socially maladapted politico who
would rather be alone than at a public function. A portly
Cuban/Mexican mix adoptee with flighty notions. An ultra-
liberal artist who is a man of extremes.

I'm a brass tax guy who hates snobs and materialism and
is more than content with making ends meet. I don't like
what competition does to people, I like my redneck ways
of patch working and plundering, and I hate artifice. I don't
care what people look like, what they wear, what they make, or
how they talk. I embrace it, and I no longer want to chase people
who think I need to perform in order to be worthy.

Brand new start. Who I am is good enough. I show myself the
same acceptance and lack of judgment I give to the people who
have proliferated my life. No more excuses, no more pleading,
no more desperation for inclusion.

I have a shitload to offer anyone smart enough to stand by me.
Knowing me is a privilege, and it's reserved for a few good men
and women. Let the rest of the world cast stones. I have a place
to belong.

Expecting a Different Result

ahhh...'Groundhog Day." It's only funny when
it happens to somebody else!

So finally it dawns on my thick ass; If you keep burning
your hands every time you touch the stove, change
what you're doing! Stop touching the stove!

A novel concept, but sometimes when the 'stove' is 'people'
and you're distracted by the false promises and you
believe you're weak and need other people, you can
make allowances. But enough's enough.

Once people have shown you their true nature, it's on you
that you keep letting them in or letting them hurt you. Words
be damned. Actions speak loudest, and they tell volumes.

Doesn't it seem entirely likely that the fellow with the most
to hide and the most to prove is going to pretend to be the
best guy around? It's not endearing at age 42 to still be naive
about human nature.

Leopards don't change their spots.
Snakes always bite, even when they hiss that they won't.
Accept what you know, and trust in self.

At the end of the day, that's all there is.
And that's not a curse or a burden--it's a hell of a powerful
revelation. I've got everything I need right in here. Why would
I have ever believed otherwise?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

End of the World?

Well, I didn't see anybody flying through the sky on my  way to town
this morning, and I'm still here, and most of Donalsonville is still here.
But, realistically, none of that is a good gauge of whether the Rapture
occurred or not!

One way or the other, I tell you true, it may just be the end of the
damned world.

Everywhere I go the last 48 hours there has been nothing BUT
angst, conflict, crazy, aggression and weirdness. I haven't checked
the moon, but something's definitely up!

Three different people got banned for life from my job yesterday
for showing their ass in public.

Folks were fighting--knocking each other down and cussing--at the
Food Bank this morning.

People bumping and banging into me...three and four times.
It's a miracle I'm not in jail right now.

Everybody's interfering and controlling and sassing and meddling
and...JESUS! Doesn't anybody have a life of their own?

Do we have to hold a committee meeting for whether the frog
in the window cil should be moved or can we just move it? Does
every single person need so desperately to be noticed that they
need to run their mouth in regards to everything?

I can manage people needing to run the show, but stay out of MY
show. It is definitely not in your jurisdiction. Manage yourself!
I got mine. And if I don't, it's my sodding problem.

I don't want the conflict and I am keeping my mouth shut and my
head down, but I am running out of places and people to meet
with! What is the deal!!?

Just let things be. Relax. Quit fussing. Quit sticking your nose in.
Let everything be all right just as it is. Back up out my space and
let it flow. Leave your nastiness at home. There's only one chief
needed per event. Chill the hell out.

As a friend said a while back: "Everything would be just fine if
everyone would act right and do what they're supposed to."

But shit! They not only don't know what they're doing, they want
to spread it around! mmmnnn! Ego, ego, and more ego.
Get over it! Screw you and the horse you only think you rode
in on!

I'm working through it...holding fast to peace and harmony....
trying to just survive the chaos energy that has a hold of everyone's
brain....but I would sure love for something to work out well right
about now! Come on with it!

Okay...break time's over. Back in the trenches.
Grin and bear it...tomorrow's another day. And this one isn't
gonna own me either.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The More I Know...

I used to think that with more knowledge
and experience would, of course, come
more understanding. Certainly I achieved
a sense of understanding from work and
practice, but the perspective I had wasn't
necessarily legitimate just because my
assertions were so vigorous.

Now, every day I realize how truly little
I know. I feel a mix of dread, confusion,
fear, vulnerability, and aloneness infused
in every moment.  The sense of security
and comprehension that I held, which
provided me with a false safety of being
'tied in' or understanding things, is no more.

Yet there is no new belief system to take
its place. Not anything concrete, at least.

I do understand now why people believe in
the same God as others......why people
are glad to be a part of established groups
and rituals......why people cover up their
feelings and secrets.....why people work
and stay busy and avoid dwelling on problems.

I understand the need to put on a strong
front and smile.....to release the interest in
others' decisions and focus on self....to help
rather than talk about what's wrong.....to
push past emotion and do the work at hand.

But I still don't know how to reconcile any of
this with who I am meant to be, who I can be,
or who I want to be.

I still don't feel I have a place in the world,
no matter where I go or what I do.
I try to put forth offering and service, I pray
for guidance and help, and still what I feel
is struggle and discontent.

Is this what life is; simply maintaining and
surviving the ebb and flow? I know everyone
suffers, everyone has a past, everyone has
problems and wants and needs. But with all
of us fighting to pretend how easy we have it,
resisting connection, and avoiding our true selves,
how do we ever find the answer?

I continue to search. I no longer see tiredness
and emotions and confusion and unrequited love
as detriments to life experience. Maybe the
quest for understanding is as much understanding as
we ever really achieve.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

All Shook Up

Once an established connection is severed, separation is a
greater onus than before.

Perspective is a hard thing to attain or maintain in a crisis.
But our truth is always more than we can see in a moment.

Having a head and a heart full of words and yet being
unable to get past pleasantries feels like torture.

Going through the motions and not feeling inspired or
hopeful is drudgery. We imagine that lost comfort won't
be regained.

But holding out for magic potions is disingenuous.
Looking for an external to save us is delusion.

Everything dies; everything. The new wears off, the
illusion fades, the pattern grows familiar.

Then we find ourselves facing the same demons we
had so easily cast aside before in an attempt to
embrace some excitement and freshness.....a 'last
chance' rush of energy and youth.

Do we settle in or keep 'trading up?'

We can fool ourselves into thinking that a solution is
absolute, that our obligations are imagined, that our
circumstances are more black-and-white than they
are....but in the end, clarity trumps emotion.

The clock is ticking, but only on our limited thinking.