Let's just eliminate all the bullshit, shall we?







Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Our Own Worst Enemy; The Oral Minority

Second-Class
Citizenship

is not a ‘gift’
that’s yours
to give,


oh 
indignant,

ignorant, 

delusional,

self-aggrandizing 
morality-conflicted,

xenophobic
lifestyle-police
of America.

I am not
on this earth
to be
‘tolerated.’

If  some people 

have
             an ‘issue’
with men
who like men,
Get over it!


It's probably 
yourself 
you have the 
problem with 
anyway!

A Little Goes A Long Way.....8/27/2009


Night before last, as I was driving home from the next town over, I had another
bad nosebleed start gushing. Now, between 'there' and 'here' is a good 25 minutes
of absolutely nothing and nowhere to stop to use a bathroom. So I couldn't find a
towel, of course, and I had blood drenching my shirt and my hands and my arms
and beard. I could feel the warm blood coursing through my nostril, and the simple
notion that I could possibly bleed to death crept into my head.

That one little fear is all it took, and I was in full-on panic mode.

I kept saying to myself "I don't have anything cold, I don't have access to any towels
or cold stuff, I don't..." and it went from there. I've had them a hundred times, and,
as scary as they are, it's just a little blood. Granted, any time blood shows up on the
outside as opposed to the inside, I do tend to get excited. But a little blood goes a
long way. And it doesn't take much blood to make it look and feel like a horror movie.

Thankfully no one encountered me before I got home and cleaned up. It was pretty
gruesome! But more than the actual problem of the bleed was the worry and fear
that just got blown entirely out of proportion. All the drama.

One reason I think that such things do frighten me so is the alone thing. I always go
to the idea of there being no one to care for me, physically or otherwise, in a crisis.
And being sick or dealing with a baby scare like that makes us feel more vulnerable
and more alone that we already are. There's something about illness that makes us
"want our Mommies" or want a home cooked meal!

"Hang on...Hang on to yourself...
This one's gonna hurt like hell."

-Sarah McLachlan

I have a bad, long term habit of 'catastrophizing' everything, or "Doing worst case
scenarios." It's a BAD habit for sure, and it serves no good purpose. It's actually
counter productive, and most likely extremely a self-fulfilling prophecy...like most
things, good or bad.

I know what's required. Unfortunately, like most great insight, it's 'easier said than
done.' And changing habits can be a really difficult transformation.

But I need to try and disconnect from the emotional. Back up from the moment of
'crisis,' which may not even be a legitimate one. View things from a distance, with
some perspective.

Whether it's our own transgressions or those of our nearest and dearest, we jump
the tracks.
-Someone says something less than kind, we're ready to end a relationship.
-A few harsh words with the neighbor and we're talking about moving.
-The dog tears something up and we act as if our entire well being is compromised.
-Your kid talks back to you and you tailspin into a "Nobody respects me" funk.
-Our partner does something we dislike and we plot revenge.
-A boss does some bonehead move and we start assuming our job is in jeopardy.
-Something bad--or a series of bad things--occur, and we start acting as though the
world is coming to an end.

We tend to cut ourselves and those around us no slack. One mistake or character flaw
or misspeak is the breaking point.

CALM DOWN, DRAMA MOMMA!

Thoughts like "Nobody ever respects me" or "This kind of thing always happens to me"
are not only untrue, they build a false sense of doom and gloom. Our minds are more
geared to remembering insults than blessings. Add to that our tendency to overlook the
blessings that we do have or take them for granted. It's a bad combination.

But if we go without very much affection, or feel unappreciated, we can also tend to
build up drama as our own sense of making things in our life seem worthwhile. Or as
an abstract way of getting the attention we think we deserve.

We have to be able to separate from imaginary problems and the very real ones that
crop up in our lives. There is a natural resilience in the human spirit. Some think we
will never be given more than a Higher Power knows we can handle. That, or a more
organic approach of "We're tougher than we know" are things I hold on to.

Some resilience has to be learned. We don't have an innate belief in our self. We
might be capable of doing something, but if we don't know it in our heart and minds
then it's the same as not having it. We have to come to realize that we are capable.

If we aren't strong enough, we have to develop strength, just like any other unused
or underutilized muscle in the body.
* Research what other people have done, read books, go to support groups.
* Pray, seek spiritual counsel, ask friends for help.
* Make new friends if you don't have any.
* Break the old habits and tapes and routines and accept that change is possible in
the first place.
* Figure out why you are the way you are, and what exactly you want to change,
and then set about the task of doing it. But know that success is not predetermined;
we do all the work ourselves.

It's sink or swim time.

Suit up. You're gonna need armor for this one, sweetheart.

RESPONSE TO THE HOODS (October 2008)


Georgia Unity

Some honest answers to reasonable questions.

Isn't it better to ignore the rally? Aren't you giving the Klan
the attention they want?

The Klan and other hate groups thrive when left alone. They have been
around in some form for 143 years, growing when times are tough and people
need a scapegoat to blame for problems like a bad economy. They target poor
and undereducated angry young men who lack direction. To ignore them is to
allow others to think our community is okay with the group and its tactics.
It gives the misimpression that they are legitimate groups AND
that those who oppose them are afraid to do so publicly.

Terrorism and scare tactics are how cults build strength. They target politically
'acceptable'groups like gays and undocumented workers, since these groups
are invisible and weaker in the South, and reviled openly by churches, Republican
party members and others in the public spotlight.



What's the big deal anyway? What's wrong with the KKK ?

It's not just words they use; the words incite and inspire actions. They words make it
seem justifiable and righteous to treat these specific peoples as "less than," and that
leads to bias against those that are 'different.'

The press releases can't be believed; the Klan's entire existence is based on lies,
secrets, misinformation, hiding, and cowardice. They oppose all foreigners and
immigrants, not just 'illegals,' they still hate Blacks and Jews and Gays and Lesbians.
If the Klan is now family friendly and pro-community, then lose the robes and hoods
and names that have meant murder and terrorism during all the lynchings and house
and church bombings. It's still the same Klan. A snake can still smile.


________________________

"When good people in any country cease their vigilance and struggle, then evil men prevail." 
- Pearl S. Buck


In 2006, there were 7,722 REPORTED hate crimes in the U.S. alone, with 9, 642 victims. These crimes are ones specifically motivated by racial, religious, sexual orientation, and ethic/nationality based discrimination. Torture and assault and murders like these occur every day, and the FBI statistics reflect an 8% rise in events from the prior year.

The Southern Poverty Law Center reports there are at least 888 active organized hate groups in this country; 42 operating in Georgia alone. That's a 48% increase since Bush took office in 2000.

Today's Lament....12/11...2009


"The Lady or The Tiger?"
(Or, in my case, "The Man or The Tiger?"
This is the constant question I ask. I know I have a ton of self-work to
do before I am fit for human connection, but the desire is still there. Do
I take a chance and see what's behind the door, or leave well enough alone?

I certainly don't want to settle down for the sake of settling down; hell, I
don't know that I want to settle down/become shackled at all. But if I don't
even date and explore my options, how will I know? But if I date while I'm
a mess, how will I possibly attract anyone worthwhile?

If I continue holding out for the day that I am 'better off,' how long is that
exactly? (I'm not saying I don't foresee a time when I have made sufficient
improvements, but we are all works in progress, ever-changing. That's life.
So when's the right time?) I could keep postponing forever.

At the same time, it's hard for me to imagine what sort of man I would be
compatible with. I don't envision ever being traditional or conventional, and I
certainly don't have the occasion to see many artistic, fearless, political sorts
here in dreary rural Georgia. And yet, I see pairings all the time that boggle my
mind. (It's horrifying to think "How can she/he have a man, and I can't get one?"
but it's also oddly comforting to think that whatever passes for love/companionship
on this mud ball can find everyone.)

All relationships call for some level of sacrifice and give-and-take, but my
autonomy and identity is very important to me. If there's someone out there
who loves me because of/in spite of my idiosyncrasies, and who's 'out there'
enough for me to be drawn to, wouldn't it just be a big drama?

I have things I want to do; I think that the only way to have a relationship where
I ever got to spend quality time with my signif other would be if he were a creative
person and we were involved in projects together. Then I think maybe we should
be polar opposites so that we have good compatible energy when together, but
have nothing to do with one another most of the time. I am not a clone/Bobsy Twin,
nor do i want someone who becomes my attached-at-the-hip constant.

(I have alternately had very intense attractions to blue collar sorts, such as mechanics,
truck drivers, and maintenance men who drink and are sports nuts; I figure their 'left
brain' influence and my 'right brain' influence would balance out nicely. I also have
dry-fantasies about very pent-up and buttoned-down sorts like accountants,
Republicans, and the like who are emotionally very different. But of course when
it comes down to it, you never choose who you are going to be attracted to. It's
bio-chemical. It's primal. It's guttural. It just happens.)

And, of course, I am always drawn to the Wrong Things. Between being a homo,
being an addict, and being an artist, I am ALL ABOUT THE DRAMA! ("Working
on it!") I am improving on my choices and surroundings, but there is nothing that
can pull the emotional strings like:
* A 'bad boy'
* A disinterested soul
* An abusive type
* The unattainable
* The closeted
* The disturbed
I don't like it, and I'm working to change it. But the fact is, bad boys tell you up
front what they're all about. With a good boy, you're always waiting for the shoe
to drop and the skeletons to come creeping out.

It's easy to find someone you're physically attracted to; it's a whole other story
to find compatibility. (We men especially have no trouble finding 'any port in a
storm' when simply looking for a physical release.)

I wonder about the feasibility of having 2 or 3 really good platonic male friends,
and then just having anonymous sex on the side to meet that need. But that seems
disjointed, too, and a complete puss-out on the whole romance angle (even tho
practical as hell!)

One of these days, I'm gonna have to decide on a door and just go for it. Then
I'll probably get caught up in whether I open, knock, or bust down the barrier.
The cerebral aspect is one thing; the action and reality is another matter all together.

Structure and Reason....Or Chaos and Chance? 1/31/2010

 
Age-old question, brought into prominence in my world
this past week as I see most of the members of my
community struggling to make sense of a horrible car
accident. The accident claimed two lives, including an
11 year-old girl.

So, is there a structured rationale behind our lives, with
every atom and molecule accounted for? Or is everything
random and chaotic, with attempts to interpret it via
limited comprehension resulting in a need for crutches
and easy answers?

Who's to say that either extreme is necessarily accurate?
Why not a world that is mixed with both random, meaning-
less occurrences as well as preordained

Maybe the application of either set of discordant lenses
or their middle-ground are assuming that there is either
pattern or significance to any of it. Think of the things you
felt were of importance 10 years ago; Do many of those
things still exist today? Are they relevant? What about
what you hold dear now? Does it really matter?

A stranger asked me my thoughts on the girl's death, not
really wanting to hear what I had to say. "Isn't this just
horrible? But don't you think she's in Heaven with God
right now?"

How do you answer such a thing?
First, my thinking--or anyone else's on the planet--is a
terribly moot point, especially now. What someone else
needs to do to reconcile this event in their mind should
have nothing to do with the opinions of other people.

Yes, a young person is lost; that is terrible for the people
who knew her. Death is horrible; it is the end of life, and
that's frightening for us. When someone young dies, we
are made all the more aware of our mortality, and of the
precariousness and fragility of life. That's what has hit
most people outside the immediate family.

There's also the reality that different people's lives do
matter more than others (in society's eyes, not reality.)
Simple fact of the road. Not condoning, not condemning.
This was a pretty, blond-haired, sweet little white girl
(by all accounts; I never met her) from a popular, well
off, large, popular local family. I doubt that the town would
be blanketed in supportive ribbons if a poor black child
with no extended family was killed in a horrible wreck....
or sick with a tragic disease and needed bone marrow or
blood. It's all about perspective.

(This is not a slam against this little girl; it's about how we
'value' lives. Hardly a person has said anything about
the older woman lost in the crash. Our thinking is such
that it isn't the same; she had lived a long life. Why do
we assume that a child is destined to have a long life?
Why do we dote on children so, only to abandon interest
in their lives and welfare when they reach an age where
they think for themselves?)

My heart goes out to the parents and other family. I
know grief is a terrible force. Grief is natural and normal,
but it can grow to be a demon that overtakes our life and
distances us from those that are still living.
Can keep us trapped in the past. Keep us focused on what
can no longer be, instead of what is. Young people dying is
a shock to our systems; it throws all of what we believe
and hope for to be ripped apart. As if it were a condemnation
or brutal payback for some prior bad act.

Life is hard. It's scary and rough and lonely. But Shit just
happens. Sometimes it's what we consider good shit....
sometimes bad shit. Sometimes it's just mediocre.
Sometimes, horrible shit happens. But it is still just life.
A hurricane doesn't have an agenda.
A child doesn't die to punish the child or the parent.
People don't get sick for past sins.
The moralizing and justification we apply to life
are a dangerous business.

We like to build up ideas to give the illusion of protecting
ourselves. Ideas like;
-A job is our lifelong career that will sustain us.
-A family member will always be around.
-A love or marriage relationship is indestructible.
-A house can withstand any storm.
-A schedule fills a day with meaning.

We use the constructs of time, communities, families,
beliefs, and more to distract us from the truths that
exist. That we're stronger than we are. That we're
permanent. That we're powerful. That we
are important in the scheme of things.

Was the shock of that young girl upsetting to you?
Really? Then what are you going to do besides wring
hands and gossip about it? Will you commit yourself
to being a better person, so that your life is not wasted?
...Will you volunteer to help people in need in the here
and now, rather than offer lip service to how pitiful
their situation is?
...Will you recognize that life is a precious gift that is not
a given or a constant?
...Will you show the people you care about how much
they mean to you, while you have the chance?
...Will you recognize that are no distinctions between
young and old, rich or poor, and that all life is valuable
and blessed?
I hope so.

I have heard people say that "Nothing happens in
God's world without reason or planning."
Really? If you ask about this, people usually get
very defensive. But I would like to know; if everything
in "God's world" is approved by God, that means that
every murdered child is approved? Every raped
child is prearranged? Every horrible incident is a part
of a plan?

So the response to that is that "Man has free will.
The bad things are not of God; they run counter to
His desires." So, why is that?

just bark :"God's will is not to be questioned!", hinting
that they might feel their will also shouldn't be
questioned.

I truly mean no harm, though. I realize that the
insertion of a notion that "all is happening according
to a Master Plan" is something that allows many
people the comforts of sleep at night. It gives them
the strength to trudge on through tragedies, problems,
questions, or even the annoyance of jerks at work.

We all have different means of getting us through
the night. My assessment of yours as a 'crutch' doesn't
negate the positive impact that your beliefs
have on your life. I'm jealous of the serenity.

(To be fair, though; a majority expressing belief
in a concept or faith doesn't support that there is in
fact a rightness or support of said belief's tenants.
Sometimes the stray knows how to survive.
Personally, I'd rather people focused on making
'Heaven' in the here and now, where actual need
can be discerned. Rather than expecting and
anticipating a Netherworld of Hope in the afterlife.)

I feel like it's a strange mix, for us to be here on this
Big Blue Speck, hanging out killing each other, slandering
each other, forming committees to dethrone
each other...and then try and impose order on it all!
To try and make right, or make sense out of what
(for me) is clearly mostly senseless.

If we are to embrace the randomness and insanity
of things, why are we blessed with reasoning and
rational brains? The ability to question and explore?
Why do we not fully utilize that which sets us apart?
Why do we have such a tremendous
weapon and yet use it so incompletely and so rarely?

I don't profess to have all the answers. Don't even
claim that the ones I cling to are rock solid. But I
think that unless we are willing to explore and navigate
uncertainty, we will surely be consumed by it. I think
it's entirely possible to extract value and purpose from
even the most tragic of circumstances, but please don't
ask me to believe it was intended.

Fair Weather 'Friends' and Sell-Out Whores

 A rant in one part.

So, as a gay man, I was pretty upset about the fact that the local Baptist church
is sponsoring one of these ridiculous 'Celebrate Recovery' groups. For those
unaware, this is a group that says the only way to be freed from addictions is
through Oh Mighty Jesus, commander of trans formative lightning bursts. And--
oh yeah--being a homosexual is a sickness from which Ole' baby Jesus' can save
you! Mmmm-hmmmmm.....

So I was venting and talking about what to do as protest, and these two chicks
that like to play friendly and liberal start chiding me for speaking out against it.

What difference does it make?
You can't change anything.
What do you think you can do?
You're wasting your time; nothings going to change
...and so on.

So, it's one thing to not be supportive. It's one thing to say some thing's not your
cup of tea. But since when does someone fighting The Man need additional
nay-sayers and detractors?

These are folks that speak out against policies and people and places they don't
like--only from the comfort of quiet whispers with like-minded people. There is
no dedication to a higher ideal or fighting the good fight here....and that's fine.
But don't 'reign in' my parade......don't seek to add your weight to the collective
boot heel of oppression.

Is the only fight worth fighting the one you think you can win? Is there no good
to come from being heard and seen and noted? How can someone who is so
unilaterally defeated in their thinking even bother getting out of bed in the morning.

These are the same people who watched as I spiraled into a deep, dark,
depression last year. Watched daily as I lost everything I had and gave up
hope and withered away. They talked about it amongst themselves; but no
one ever, at any point spoke up and said a word. Not to ask if I needed
anything, offer to help, address matters directly, etc. It's more of the same;
all talk, no action. No one ever wants to stand up for what they think and put
their money where their mouth is.

It's a sad day for me to realize how uninterested in living life some people
are. It certainly is no wonder that the world is in the condition it is when
good, educated, informed people...simply choose to do nothing. Apathy
is a crippling agent of the forces of evil. And not simply give up themselves,
but to shame me into their pit of nonresistance in order to feel less guilty
themselves. Shame on you.

I remember a great ad for opposing censorship; Frank Miller drew a little
girl having her eyes, ears, and mouth taped shut, and being told "That's a
good girl!" (or something to that affect.) We get to keep our little measure
of comfort by looking straight ahead and not upsetting the apple cart.

I will surround myself with the enemy from now on; I would rather be beaten
and spat upon than condescendingly tolerated. At least with an enemy, an attack
or abandonment is expected.

We don't any of us know for a certainty what our actions will bring. Ever.
We can hope and plan and imagine...but it means nothing.
But when good people know that something is wrong, and refuse to speak
of it.....that's how evil takes root and prospers. Evil is not unavoidable. Despair
is not a constant. These things occur when the vigilance of those who 'can' choose
'not to.'

'Group think' is a horrible thing. Avoiding becoming part of the hamster wheel is
difficult work.I may not receive instant gratification from standing up to wrong
thinking. I may never know what effect--if any--it has. I may save a life by
giving an insulated and brainwashed kid a chance to know there is another world
out there. I may spark a piece of hope in a closeted gay man who hates himself
and wishes to commit suicide. I may begin the wheels turning for a woman who
thinks something is wrong with her for doubting the holiness of her church's work.

Regardless; I'm gonna be the one lighting that candle. Whether I get ignored,
lampooned, beaten, shot, defamed, or humbled....I'm lighting my candle. Y'all curse
the darkness from the sidelines until Hell freezes over. Hate away.

**************************************************************

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as
pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.
- Winston Churchill

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in
every difficulty.
- Winston Churchill

(What can i say? I'm in a Winnie kind of mood.)

"Celebrate Recovery" comes to Donalsonville Pt. 5


The 'author' of CB states in the literature that "I acknowledge use of some material from the 12 Suggested Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous." Um, yeah; when you take everything word-for-word and pirate it, as was done with the wording and intent of the entire 12 Steps, that constitutes 'use.'

Typical misdirect to act as though it was a skeletal notion that was adapted! Oh, the foul lies of the church continue. You took the exact model of the existing program, including the names "12 Steps," "recovery," and "principles," and are bending them to your own needs.

The program lays out that they "WILL:
-provide you a safe place...
-provide you with a leader who has gone through a similar hurt, hang-up, or habit....
-provide you with an accountability partner...."

The group "will NOT:
-attempt to offer professional treatment...
-allow members to 'fix' one another..."

They also promote themselves as "a safe place to share...a refuge... a place where respect is given to each member....where confidentiality is highly regarded....a place of belonging..."

It is "NOT a place for secrets....a place for therapy...a place to rescue or be rescued....a place to judge others....."

How many lives will be ruined before the secrets of the anti-gay push of the group is revealed? Doesn't that transparency count as open and honest? Is your voodoo only able to work if you sneak it up on people?

The church teaches duplicity; a smile to the face and crucify you behind your back. Judgment, condemnation, and intolerance are the cornerstones of the Baptist church.

It is sad indeed how far afield from the actual teachings of Jesus the church has gone. They are actually condemning and harming in the name of the person who carried a message of love and acceptance.
Maybe the 'good folks' at these churches ought to seek some actual healing for selves first. You can't be a vessel for Jesus while your mouth and body are working against Him.

Full Disclosure....1/23/2010...The Big Purge

More hysterics.


Everybody wants to know your business.
You want some Honesty and Willingness? Here you are.
Maybe it's just better all around.


I am a gay man. I have had my attractions since earliest childhood.
I learned in my household to fear and appease others, so I shoved
my identity deep inside. I longed and loved in secret, ashamed.
My home, the church, my family, TV and movies, and every friend
I ever tried to have taught me to hate my insides and promote a lie.
I have nonetheless attempted to live truthfully.....except when it
would hurt myself or others.


I do not know what a healthy relationship is. Between one set of
scarred parents handing down biological disorders, and one set of
parents raising me as an isolated prisoner in an insane asylum, I am
a boat adrift. I had no role models. I have no real past relationships
of substance or quality to draw from.


I suffer from bi-polar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and
obsessive-compulsive disorder, to name a few. Yes, there is something
wrong with me. It is not just laziness, or 'weirdness' nor a bad mood.
The person in charge of making decisions is constantly changing; if you
think this adversely affects you, try not being completely in charge of
your own brain and life. I don't cop out and cease efforts; even with the
best possible treatments and lifestyle, there are problems.


I am not a good friend; no one is contesting that. I have learned to
expect nothing and rely on no one for good reason. Between abuse, neglect,
abandonment, betrayal, and all the joys of 40 years of tortured living,
this is what I have to show. I am not heartless; I am defensive. I am
secretive. I am selfish. I am judgmental and hyper-sensitive. I am paranoid.
I am untrusting. But I would also lay down my life for someone I care for.


More often than not, I speak too directly and too earnestly. I share too
much, and wear my heart on my sleeve. Conversely, when I feel connected to
someone I may slip into camouflage mode and pretend to be different; I
don't trust that the real me would not chase them away. I try and say or do
what will make another person happy. I then hide the loneliness I feel at not
having the real me connect with them.


I fluctuate between wanting to take on the world and thrive and excel...
and wanting to become invisible and wither and die. This is not hyperbole;
I am a creature of raging extremes. Forming relationships, getting and
keeping jobs, staying focused on anything is excruciating.


My mind works 'differently' than most people; that's not bragging, trust me.
I see and am made curious by different factors than occupy most others;
trying to have a conversation with me may be like speaking Romulan to
a non-Trekkie. I'm not acting. It's not for attention. It's not superiority.
I'm trying to communicate the only way I know how.


I lie to keep people from getting too close. I avoid people and situations
to hide my pain. I act aloof because I don't want my neediness to show.
I get needy because I fear there will never be another person who wants to
spend even 2 minutes talking with me. I await the 'other shoe' to drop always.
I get indignant to protect myself from your rejection; perceived or otherwise.
I lash out because I only know self preservation. Trust and faith and hope
get you killed in the wrong place and time.


There is nowhere and nothing that makes me feel safe. I do not choose
to be miserable; I am struggling for dear life with every departure from
the house, every conversation, every e-mail, every attempt to reach out
that you may think nothing of. The voices and chatter and shakes never stop.
Never. There are no treatments that I have found to work in 28 years of
trying.


If you ask me "what's wrong?" and then ridicule what I share with you,
please don't act surprised or contemptuous if I never speak to you again.
I dislike having my time wasted.


I'm not oblivious to how difficult it is to deal with me. It tires me, too, even
after all the years of experience. I can look at a letter I wrote on a Tuesday
(with the best of intentions to set things right) and be fully aware on Friday
how insane I was when writing it; but I didn't know it then.


I am so lonely--beyond words or human comprehension--that I would
keep secrets from those I care for. It is the only way I know to keep the
Real Me from chasing away the illusion of connection I have with a scant
handful of people. I am not proud of this; it is survival. And that's all I know.


I have an issue with my heart that has scared me beyond any health issue I have
faced previously. The tightness and pain is constant, and the fear and emotional
surges only serve to exacerbate the matter. Since my doctor visit, I have been
unable to consider anything else.


I want a clean slate if it is time for me to go. I want at least to know I have
put myself out there, regardless of whether or not understanding ensued.
Life is messy, and there is often no closure at all. But if I were to leave now,
I would like the peace of knowing I did the best that I could.


I have tried to live fully. To love often. To risk and care. I cannot control
what appearances may seem to the contrary. I hope the people I have loved
know how much I care for them. In spite of themselves, in spite of me.
I did care.

The Great Divide


Had a lot of finance-minded concepts on my mind yesterday
as I observed many different houses in my Census journey.

What makes the difference between how we live?
Are people led to act and live a certain lifestyle based on their
perspective, or does the lifestyle lead to the perspective?

Does money beget money? Or are some wealthy and well-to-do
concerned about money because they didn't come from it?

Would poor people (like me!) care about things if they had nice
things to start with? Of would they be able to maintain the condition
of things via the all purpose problem solver, money?

Money, of course, doesn't solve all problems. But let's not be
stupid; it does eliminate or cushion a great deal of them.

Although there are some health issues that can't be handled by
throwing money at them, there are infinitely more solutions when
money is not an option. Even the level of care, the amount of
trips, the kind of treatment, and the amount of assistance you
can get is affected by it.

Living space is made more bearable with money. Type of dwelling,
what it's filled with, where you live, ability to move if you need
or want to, the space you have for entertaining, and so on.

Money is freedom. Freedom to travel, eat out, have recreational
items, enjoy entertainment, surround yourself with nice things,
eat the kinds of food you want to, have people over in comfort, and
much more.

The list goes on. But the issue isn't just what money does. It's where
money comes from. Many people work hard for the things they have,
but plenty more received help from their parents or other family to
get them started. Or had privilege in some form...a leg up. Some even
cut corners or thieve and manipulate to get what they want; the ends
justify the means. As long as you're white, smiling, and don't get caught...
it's all good.

Connections make a huge difference, it seems. Who you know, where
you come from. The connections in school, community, work, church
that you make and maintain...people scratch each others backs and help
one another out. That's cool...I have benefited from this. It does feel
very foreign to me....uncomfortable.

I suppose I need to become more mercenary.
I suppose I should put pride on the side and not worry about how it gets
done so long as it gets done, and not worry over sources and circumstance
and such...but I'm just not made that way.

I have had some issues of late with the incompatibility of friends from
different economic backgrounds. It just doesn't seem possible to work out
vast financial separations. Each party is unable to comprehend the situation
or motivations of the other...there's no compatibility or relatability.

In a friendship where folks are divided by economic lifestyle differences, each
party just makes the other uncomfortable. The rich worry that 'poor' is going
to rub off, or feel compelled to say things to try and 'bridge the gap' or
promote solidarity...and the poor feel self-conscious about lacking and
feel incompetent and incomplete when observing the wild extravagances
that the rich take for granted.

It's nobody's 'fault'...it's just one of those things. People should mix with
their own kind. It's just easier. I don't want someone to feel the need to watch
what they say or pretend to be who they aren't around me...and I don't want
to feel like I can't get in and out of a vehicle because I'm afraid of dinging it.

I don't want gifts....I don't want to be treated to dinner....I don't want to be
lavished with things or shown examples of what you can do. I'm happy for
what others have....but it isn't mine, and I don't feel comfortable with being
'taken care of.'

It's unfair to both parties; you can't do things together because the dynamics
of lifestyle, outlook, and budget are incongruent. I don't want or expect someone
else to modify their life to suit me, or be cautious about bragging of all their
purchases and outings and bill troubles ...and I don't want to complain about
worrying over eviction since they can't relate and I fear it'll be interpreted
as an attempt to solicit funds. It's a no-win

(to be continued)......

The Great Divide... part 2


So back to constitution...

What makes a person who lives well live that specific way?
Neatness. Perfectionist. Cleanliness. Attention to detail.
Organization.

Is it personal pride? Clarity? Dedication to aesthetics?
Self-esteem? Or is it something all together different....
subliminal drive? Competitiveness? Neurosis? Obsessiveness?

Is a person with a less-attractive or less controlled home
a sign of lacking self-interest? Or self-abuse even? Apathy?
Dirtiness? Lacking standards? Or is that merely conflicted value
judgment, too? Instead it could be a more relaxed, laid-back,
enjoyable lifestyle? Free from concerns about others' opinions?
Focus on the important things?

I worry sometimes that my lifestyle reflects how I feel about
myself. I wonder if there is correlation between my personal
upkeep and my success. Would more attention to appearances
mean the difference in improved quality of life? Or would it
just be a bunch of time wasted on trying to impress others?

I, like most, see myself reflected back in the eyes of others.
When I am by myself, a certain way of doing suits me fine.
When I become conscious of others' observations, I become
a bit more concerned about how things appear. Who among us
has not tried to pull the house together when we know someone
is stopping by? If we care enough to impress a visitor, wouldn't we
want the same respect for our self?

These are all generalities, too. Granted. Not all wealthy people
are clean freaks (and how!) and not all poor people are slobs.
That's a gross exaggeration. But there is I suppose a deep
parallel in my mind between the two personalities.

But I have known some people who really work hard to keep their
house--and personal appearance--immaculate. You would never know
their income based on appearances. But what's the distinctness
between healthy pride and being concerned with what others think?

There are also those who front in a negative way; putting all
their money to impressing others while they do without the
essentials. Even rich folks who run themselves into irreversible
debt trying to do for folks, impress, and live a lifestyle they can't
afford. They risk future security for the illusion in the moment.
Maybe wealth does have its own set of problems.

I wonder what is behind things...I like to know what makes things
tick. I wonder why my mother feels the need to live in a house
that looks like a museum...and can't get any enjoyment out of it
as a result. I wonder why my friend is more concerned with the
upkeep of all the house-cleaning details than his own health, as
he runs around frantically trying to 'get it all done.'

It seems to me the idea of maintaining a standard is purely
exhausting work. An ideal...an image...a glimpse of perfection.....
it's very tedious and demanding. And it's never done. That's a
hard way to live...keeping everything "in its place."
Upset, worry, obsession...I don't want to live that way.

Worrying about appearances.....achieving standards....to what
end? Who are we trying to impress? Family? Friends? Neighbors?
Strangers? Ourselves? Ghosts? Are we chasing our own tails here?
If people love us and care for us, then they do so as is.
Impressing others won't adhere them to us, and if that's who they
are and what they're interested in, why would we want them?

When do we get enough 'nice things' to be happy?
It doesn't get packed in the coffin with us...not that it would
do much good. Expensive paintings and big screen televisions
don't fend off loneliness. Fancy restaurants don't make us complete.
They may give a false sense of superiority, which can be a
substitute for completeness, I suppose. There are all kinds of
proxies for completeness and contentedness. Including giving up
and not having any concern for self-care.

Vulnerability, loneliness, incompleteness, fear, not feeling
good enough...these are all part of the human condition. We all
feel it in varying degrees at varying times.

When we medicate those feelings with possessions and other
expenditures, it's another form of addictive escape. There are
pluses and feeling good and euphoria highs involved, but when
the reality sets in, there is only the 'solution' of spending more
or attaining more to try and stave off the hollow inner feeling.

The need wasn't met, the expectation didn't get fulfilled, and each
time we medicate we find our 'normal' that needs to be maintained
gets a little harder to reach. Because we aren't addressing the
need at the root.

(to be continued).....

The Great Divide ...part 3


Maybe I, too, am hostage to my views and mindset
regarding money. Maybe my lower self-esteem dictates
how little I pursue the almighty buck, and how I live
my life.

I know goals and plans are essential to becoming a
success most times, but they also are not guarantees.
Does my discomfort with money lead me to lack a drive
that is needed even for basic survival? Because our ability
to survive is directly linked in this world. That works real
well for everybody so long as they are themselves above
water.

Is that the key to some people's lavish surroundings?
Deny and ignore the beast at the door? Distract from the
reality that poverty is a possibility for anyone, with just
a flip of a switch and a few bad breaks? A platinum
parachute against the worry of being out of control in
this world? A beautiful illusion?

I've always felt I was "okay" with just sustainability;
being able to survive, neither worried about financial
success or being driven and consumed by it. But now I
realize that this thinking may have cursed me...set my
expectations low and kept my potential shackled.
I still have one primary goal, no matter how simple it
may seem; self-sufficiency.

Everyone would of course prefer to debate the inherent
ills of money from a point of prosperity, making the
philosophy of the matter sport, not resentments. We'd all
rather 'have' than 'not have.'

It takes money to make money, though. Seed money,
investment money, start-up money, promotion money.
Breaks on fees and fines. Friends in high places. Sometimes
friends in low places. Money for when things go wrong.
Money to expand and grow.

It takes money to maintain things too. Money to have lawns
cared for professionally. Have driveways pressure-washed.
To keep cars repaired and property insured. It takes money
to keep things neat and beautiful and shiny.

It also takes confidence to make things go. Confidence in
promoting your stuff, your self, your ideas. The ability to
see into strangers and friends and know what to say to get
what you want. Not everyone has this, nor the understanding
of how to develop it. Again, having 'what it takes' can be a very
arbitrary thing.

I can see positives and negatives to always being hungry
and driven. It's great to have survival skills, but you also can't
go back in time and enjoy more quiet time. You can't go back
and connect with people once they're gone. We determine how
fully we touch the lives of those around us with every decision
we make. You can make a choice to provide for your loved ones
or to be with your loved ones. This world is a little fast-paced to
be able to have your cake and eat it too.

The idea of enjoying time by spending money is not anathema
to me. I aspire to have some things and have the freedom of
a little money. But the wealthy tend not to share their secrets.
Rather than give a tidbit, they maintain that air of detachedness.
Maybe it's like hot dog ingredients; we're better off not knowing
what's going on in there.

Personally, I'd rather learn to do for myself than live vicariously
through others. Teach me to fish rather than give me one. But a
lot of people like glomming onto people with money, getting the
advantages by osmosis. But I bet you anyone who has a rich friend
is jealous as hell and envious all the time. Which may not bother the
rich person, since if they're an egotist, they are getting a surge from
the one-upmanship anyway.

(to be continued)....

The Great Divide ...part 4

Some folks like to "do for you" to "help you out."
Granted, some people are genuinely generous and
the assistance comes from a place of compassion and
concern. Most efforts to do for are a form of largesse,
pure and simple, and stem from a desire to control,
manipulate, or stroke ego.

Some of my aversion to 'help' could be foolish pride.
Some say "What matters the source or the motives
if you have a need?" That I should take advantage of
what's offered when it's offered and not consider the
source. You can be particular once you're ahead in the
game.

They point out that even the wealthy have sponsors
and benefactors they don't agree with or like, but they
are answerable to because they hold the keys to the
kingdom. And there's always somebody ahead of you in
line. There are always concessions and compromises in
this world.

But some price tags are too steep. Some strings that are
attached to presents are to be avoided...especially if they
are an invisible and secretive variety. Granted, if someone
has the gifts to get by and succeed in this world, their
level of ego/hubris/disconnect may be so in swing they're
unaware of it.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder makes
someone feel that the world exists to meet their needs, and
a person suffering from it can convince themselves of anything
they want to....justify anything they want to.....disregard
anything--and anyone--they want to. It's all about self-need
and bottom line. That is the reality of what makes this world work.

Maybe there are just too many variables to break it down.
-Some wealth is completely random; inheritance, Lottery winnings,
other prizes, ridiculous settlements and more come to mind.
-Some people who work hard their whole lives have nothing to
show for it.
-Some people are blessed with carefree existence,
and others meet disaster after disaster or setbacks in their daily
living.

I do believe we have some ability to affect and influence our lives,
but it is hard work to unbind decades of thinking and societal
influence. There are add-in factors like physical health, mental
health, geographics, etc that also pose additional challenges,
but they are not insurmountable.

The world is divided into privilege...and lacking. The middle
ground is getting swallowed up all the time. We humans tend to
attach values judgments on circumstance. We apply non-existent
evaluative principles to conditions of monetary status.

The poor come to feel they are poor because it is what they deserve or
all they can amount to, that life is unfair and they are part of the
unlucky ones who will always have to struggle for a bit.
The rich come to feel superior based on the prestige reflected
back on them in their surroundings. They believe they are blessed
and different--better, and their success is a benefit of their perceived
importance..

The issue isn't going to be resolved easily. Maybe it's just one of
those cold hard realities of this vicious world. But let's not ignore the
elephant in the room!

If you're living easy and you try and compare your hardships to those
of someone who can't pay for basics, it isn't going to fly. If you're trying
to compete or get approval from someone who frivolously drops more cash
in a single night than it takes you to live off of in a month, you're chasing
windmills baby. Give up the ghost.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Violent Natures; Why Fight It? Part 2


Treating one another abysmally is in our nature; it's DNA.
Putting a happy ribbon on our streets and buildings and calling it 'progress'
doesn't alter reality.

We have simply substituted government-sanctioned horrors for the
outright violence of the war zone.

Drug and alcohol abusers are criminalized rather than helped.

Abused children are allowed to stay in their homes while we deny homes
to needy kids because of the would-be parents' sexuality.

The prisons are filled with people who couldn't afford attorneys, were guilty
of minor crimes, and were unpopular in smaller communities. Meanwhile
the few with money and power determine the fates of the rest of us and get
away with murder.

Mankind has finally reached its goal of a self-sustained perpetual machine
of violence and inhumanity.

And those who purport to be of a heightened intellect and moral fiber are not
immune; they use the illusion of culture and sophistication and good breeding
to cover up their duplicitous natures. We have established a world where the
Emperor Has No Clothes, and so long as everyone agrees that heinous acts
are no longer heinous when 'important people' do them, the die is cast.

The well-off pleasure themselves on their slow days with the more
pedestrian pursuits of ruining others with gossip, securing unjust laws,
maintaining an unlivable wage, black-mailing, ruining marriages,
funding hate speech, employing sex trade workers, paying off
contractors, and other mundane pursuits.

Anyone that opposes the wealthy is delusional; they are simply
'hating' on self-made people.  If you pretend that corruption doesn't
exist for long enough, people will start to believe.

The middle class, that shrinking beast, strive hard to stay unnoticed
and off the radar.One wrong word and they could lose their status.
The chances of going down the ladder are far greater than going up.

The Mids also keep content with their posturing that the material
goods will buffer them from the harsh realities that await outside their
comfort zone. Video games, texting, movies, blackberries and delivered
pizza will prevent fatal attacks, disease, joblessness, unfair court
decisions, and police brutality from darkening their door.

(And they can always rely on their white bread variation of savagery;
jealousy, treachery, back-stabbing, usury, sabotage, emotional
undermining, infidelity, child beatings, pedophilia, domestic abuse, allowing
abuse to occur, employing nepotism and preferential treatment and
bias, forcing religious values in inappropriate places, condemning,
misusing positions, and other evils that have come to be warmly embraced
as part of American culture.)

If we use the misleading speech that "we have more freedom than any
other country" as our model, then everything sounds good. If we focus
on no wars running loose in the street (besides rampant drug use,
untreated mental health clients, criminal poverty levels, joblessness,
police violence, white collar crime, overstuffed prisons, etc.) then it
sounds like we have it pretty good.

Don't believe everything you hear. We want to pretend like things
are good, because it makes us sleep better at night. If we throw the
term "'God' is on our side" into every telecast, then we create
that illusion as fact, as well. (Fox News says "Fair and balanced"
all the time so they can sell themselves on the delusion.)

No matter how we cover it up or repackage it, there is a terrible
mean-spirited evil at the heart of all humans. Even children. Especially
the religious. Despite pretense. In spite of laws and experiments at
'disciplining' everyone into right thinking and acting. The violence and
horror thing is a vast part of life, in one form or another.

We have such a hard time dealing with hardships not because they're
whelming, but because we've been subjected to the convincing facade
for so long. It has weakened us, making our expectations high and our
tolerance low. When reality starts to seep in, we think we're losing our
minds...or being unfairly targeted.

Nah. Our humanity's busted. We're right on track.

You're just opening your eyes to it for the first time.
Welcome to the real world.

Violent Natures; Why Fight It? Part 1



The world has been filled with a hierarchy determined by 'might makes
right' since the dawn on humankind.

Brutality had to be face-to-face in the old days, with clubs and
spears hard to operate long distance. The Crusades taught a lot
about swords and arrows, but some proximity was still required.
Trench warfare was about as nasty as it could get for the front lines.
We thought we had shit under control with the threat of long-range
nuclear missiles in our arsenal, but violence continued in the form
of gangs, street crime, domestic abuse, wars, infractions, slaughters,
invasions, and all manner of minor and wholesale slaughter.

So much for strategy!

Even when not fully-fledged war, man's vociferous appetite for
destruction is evident in every facet of living; slavery, child abuse,
sexual abuse, batterings, rape, poverty, incarceration, torture, and
so on. There is a savagery and viciousness that seems present at
the heart of people.

When we promote a great fantasy like "civilization" and abundance
like the USA does, we like to avoid thinking about reality. That's
sort of the USA's stock in trade; fraudulent misrepresentation.
We're all about the smiles and the wiles, and avoiding scratching
that surface. "Bread and circuses," baby!



Materialism has been the push since WWII, hoping to fill the void in
our miserable existences by promoting the attainability of luxury for
every home. So long as well all play by the rules.

See, having it all (the house, the yard, the cars, the boat, the toys,
etc.) is contingent upon a few carefully maintained fronts and fictions.

First, you perfect the smile and the small talk and the illusion of
goodness and Biblically-minded community nature. Then you split
your soul in two so you can still be a deceitful bastard in private.

See, we haven't eliminated malevolence; we've streamlined it.

So long as you are above a certain income level, the right skin
color, and good at pretending, you too can be a part of the game.
You can swindle the church and invade small countries, you
can beat your wife and rape a mistress, you can sexually abuse
kids and commit fraud; so long as you pretend that you believe in
the Big J.C. and act like a saint in public. (It's a P.R. thing;
gotta look out for the share-holders!)

We call understaffed institutionalized torture and abuse "government
in action," and anyone who dares try and speak out, be different,
take necessary steps to survive, or just look the wrong way will be
buried under the jail, the hospital, the neighborhood, or the criminally
menial no-way-out job.

The new savagery is state-funded.

...to be continued...

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Devilishly-Angelic P.C. Dilemna




I have a love-hate relationship with my computer of late.

On the one hand, I don't even need to leave my house to
communicate with hundreds of people every day. I can
access information with just a few seconds delay.
I have my need for exotic male visuals sated within a few
keystrokes. I can seek employment, do research, write, edit,
engage in politics, and more from the safety and
comfort of my home.

But for a recluse with agoraphobic tendencies, this is a
mixed bag. And as a card-carrying O.C.D. member, it takes
very little for me to become addicted to anything.

The p.c. can easily become a diseased distraction from
actual living. Hours end up spent having my energy drained
through the monitor. I already have severe carpal tunnel and back
problems. There is also the worry over promoting the illusion of
connection through electronic correspondence, as opposed to
legitimate intimacy.

There's a frustration, too, that in my ability to theoretically
connect to maybe a third of the world's nearly 7 billion people,
I still can't find someone who wants to have regular conversations
with me. Ouch.

There is a great opportunity for sharing ideas in a global community,
of course, but everything tends to degenerate to  'e-first impressions,'
even amongst erstwhile intellectuals, activists, and artists. There is a
human element of scent and eye contact and body language essential
to bonding that is absent in these disconnected electronic meeting places.
It just doesn't compute.

The shorthand that is taken with e-mails, facebook messages, message
board postings and other online correspondence simply falls short. No
face, voice, tone, or spirit to connect to; even the most poignant and
carefully selected words are hollow. Having Internet friends may beat
being utterly alone in the world, but it is a far cry from friends visiting
you in your home.

My writing provides me release. I fervently hope that one day
my words will be of use to someone, somewhere.  But like most
things, the Internet is false promises and the hope they will one
day be fulfilled; there are no facts to support that there is anything
more substantial to the beautiful lie than smoke and mirrors.

"And still I type...."

Maybe when it boots up tomorrow morning, the message
I've been waiting for will magically appear.

Is the futile push past mediocrity and disappointment in the belief
that 'something good is just around the corner,' is Internet surfing any
different from the real world?

I know it's a lot less humid and a lot easier to navigate.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Damn. Pray for Betty White.



With the passing of the great Rue McClanahan,
all's I know is that Betty White had better stay in
damned fine health.

Because if something happens to the sole
remaining "Golden Girl," there is going to be
a soul-hurt surging up in this country that will
bust some heads.

We 'sissies' are gonna rise up, burn it down,
show them Tea Party pussies what a protest is
all about, and make STONEWALL look like a
white girl's Sweet Sixteen.

It's going to be ON.
Shit's gonna get fierce..and not in a good way.

There will be a conflagration set forth across
this nation in communities big and small that
will encompass anger over "Don't Ask, Don't
Tell," Proposition 8, anti-gay religious nuts,
anti-gay Republicans, hypocrisy, abuse,
censorship, prejudice, intolerance, indignance,
oppression, teasing, and all manner of other
horseshit that we put up with every day.

(In addition to bills, relationship problems,
health issues, assholes at work, unemployment,
road rage, customer service agents that don't
know shit, communities that are poorly run,
bureaucrats, and car problems.)

And yes....
the loss of 4 American icons,
of special holding in the hearts of gay men,
in the form of 3 Golden Girls--
and 1 Designing Woman--
could very easily be the straw that breaks the
camel's back.

'Down' is not 'out.'
Stay strong, my brothers and sisters.

We shall rise again.

Rest in Peace, ladies....
Thanks for all your many great inspirations and
memories.

Al and Tipper Gore split


(Being ahead of your time is lonely
.)

Just read the news that the Gores are splitting
after 40 years of marriage.

This was a bit of an unexpected item, I suppose...
since I am not privy to their private talks or
feelings, nor do I concern myself with the
private matters of even the couples who are
known to me personally!

( Sorry, the smart-ass in me can't believe all
these messages about how 'shocked' people are!
Why would the Gores' inner workings be any of our
business?)

Folks are saying "Nothing lasts forever." Duh.

Isn't it great that some people have the sense and the
strength to move on when something is no longer
working for them, instead of staying together for
life, slowly hating and despising one another out
of some sick, cultural-induced obligation to procure
(not really) public support and admiration?

Forty years is a long ass time. I'd be happy with
40 damned minutes of mediocre, let alone 40
years of pretty damned good.

Not lasting forever doesn't make their relationship
illegitimate. It makes it real.

Political marriages are tough to start with, and who
knows what kinds of pressures and difficulties are
added to the real problems inherent in interpersonal
relationships already?

Anywho; one correction to the 'news' article I read;

Al Gore did NOT lose the 2000 election to George
Bush.

He in fact WON the election...
he was elected by this nation...
the election was stolen from voters...
the country was stolen from its citizens.

Get your shit straight or stop printing your lies.

It makes me ill to know that people get paid to
write this tripe.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Dating Game

Time to get pro-active on every front of my life,
I finally realized. "Nice" and polite does little good
in any situation. Timidity is a tool of the masters
to command our subjugation. Bunk that shit.

I have gone a-looking' for my needs to be met in any
form or fashion. I can't find anyone around this Jethro
Jamboree, and I don't have the funds to move, so I have
cast a wider net. Internet dating.

I started this weekend and was very specific about
my wants and needs; there's no point mincing words
and wasting anyone's time with this nonsense. Again;
politeness helps folks miss out on life.

Sometimes, somebody just needs to step up to the
plate and ask, balls out; "Wanna fuck?"

No more shame, no more manners, no more subtlety.

No more worrying, no more waiting, no more fear.

I am tired of being disheartened by the lack of people
who know what they want. I am bored by people who
are afraid of what they want. I am disgusted by people
who are picky, nit-picky, confused, wishy-washy,
and everything else that the average Southwest Georgia
man dealing with the incompatibility of wanting to smoke
pole in a conservative, homophobic, backwater town.

(For those paying attention; NO, I don't want to be here
any more than you want me here, and as mentioned, I
am without means of a one-way ticket Gone! So be
creative, and have you a Possum-Pussy Eating Contest
and raise some funds to send my ass elsewhere. Very little
effort involved to make everybody happy.)

So, I widened my search.

I also abandoned utterly my quest for true love...that lying
whore or a myth. F*** a happy ending. F*** a romance.
F*** a commitment. "Nobody's on nobody's side." To be free
of illusions, to be free of entrapments, to be free of lies and
false promises is a blessed freedom.

I want military precision;
Get in, Do the Job,
Get Out.
Don't Leave Anything Behind.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

I don't even want them slowing down to shit, shower, or
shave before they hop a rail. Just skedaddle. I got what I
needed.

Yes, a mercenary, heartless bastard. It is my most fervent
wish in the world to become such a creature. To bottom-line it.
To be spared drama and emotions and feelings and games.
Right up front there's a neon sign; NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

I don't want to be a mother or father, a pastor, a best friend,
a bartender, a nursemaid, a banker. I just want some slob
on my knob. When did such a simple endeavor become so
difficult?

It wouldn't be so damnably exasperating if every Cooter
Daltry and Sue Belle McGee in the city weren't hitting it 24/7! Where's
the justice when simple, ugly bitches can knock boots with ease
and good looking, educated folks have to endure long dry winters...
and summers....and cold showers....and blue balls.....

So I have gotten several responses to my ads, but of course
there are always logistics such as distance, timing, personal
taste, and so on. No surprise; you have to go through a lot to
find compatible matches. These things take time.

I swear if I could sell my shit without fear of getting caught,
I'd be back on the damned streets. But it's too old and too
worn out for anybody to pay for, and I don't feel
like having the cops around here hassle me for a blow to get
out of an arrest for solicitation. (Oh, come on; you know that's
the one thing they got going for them; their sticks see more
action than all of Nascar combined!)

Trust that I would buy it in a heartbeat, too, if I had the dough
for blow.... or if there were anything around here remotely
worth paying for. I had considered extortion or blackmail to
get laid, but everybody already knows everyone else's shit
in this Hillbilly Hell, so there' no leverage. (Another facet that
makes me wonder why so damned many people are in the closet;
EVERYBODY KNOW! Get over yourselves.)

Lies within lies within subterfuges...whatever!

Gay men are so god-damned fickle, too, no matter WHAT they
look like themselves. They're all waiting for the next Brad Pitt
or Sugar Daddy or rock star, while they're not exactly the toast
of the town. If you can't be with the one you love....'love on' the
one you're with. And take a look in the frigging mirror, too, you
vain, delusional beyotches. Jesus H.

Everybody wants to have their cake and eat it too.
Everyone wants to be accommodated for all their squirrelly-ass
horseshit but have high demands on what others can' or 'can't'
do...it's maddening.

Gay men aren't trained/allowed/expected to develop their
natural emotional selves; all their emotional growth
takes place in secret, if it takes place at all. So it's not surprising
that most of us can't commit to someone when they come along.

Hell, they can't even speak up, ask for what they want, make a
move, express themselves, etc. (Which is totally tragic and another
issue, really, but right now I'm in ball-busting selfish bitch mode,
so apologies and understanding be damned. I want to be touched
by a human being, dammit!)

So I'm going for the gusto. Life's too short to leave this shit to
chance. And I had already 'ruined' my chances of scoring any
down low sideways loving around here by virtue of my overly
overt openness on the Neon Queer headlines. Of course, there
are the inbred nose-breathers amongst us who believe that the
only gay people in town are the ones they can count on one hand.
Y'know....the 'one with the van,' 'the one at Movie Gallery,' 'the
one at the flower shop,'....all the safe bets, and no more.

A geographic relocating won't stop small minds and limited
understanding from being the call for the day, however.
It's a sad fact that most people, regardless of locale, are in love
with their falsehoods. They love a good construct better than
any scary old Truth. It's a fact of life in this American Scream.

Is it really so sonuvabitchin' hard to bust a god-damned nut?

Who does somebody have to screw around here to get laid?