Let's just eliminate all the bullshit, shall we?

Monday, November 23, 2009


(Johnston may be doing his own Big Reveal soon enough.)

In preparation for her holiday, Day of Turkey, the infamous Sarah Palin graciously signed up for a hardly exclusive interview with Georgia Unity. Unbeknownst to her, GU doesn't play, and she was slipped Sodium Pentathal to even the playing field and get some straight dope out of this straight dope. That's right, bitches; truth serum! Maneuver that one, lunkhead.

GU: "So, I hear you took up writing?"
Palin: "It's a lot less hard than running a state into the ground. Besides, when you're talking a shit storm of nonsense like my buddies at Fox News, you save on dumb stuff like fact checkers and editors and things."

GU: "Great. So, what was your motivation to publish?"
Palin: "Are you kidding? Instant money, baby! I gotta ride the train hard before it leaves the station for good. All my bridges were burnt, anyway, so why not profit from it?"

GU: "Do you think Levi Johnston--your would-be son-in-law's-- announcement of his Playgirl photo shoot was timed to derail all the publicity you've been getting from your tell-all crook..I mean book?"
Palin: "Let me tell you something about Levi; he just settled for my daughter cuz the big fish was off the table. That little nobody thinks just cuz he has secrets he's blackmailing me with that he's hot shit! I got news for him; nobody cares about Johnston's Johnson other than us Palin women. See-I went for the obvious gag there. Although I wouldn't say 'gag' is the most accurate word choice."

GU: "I see. Well, there seems to be a lot of animosity in the relationships here. Why do you think he's so mad?"
Palin: "He's just miffed cuz we wanted that damned thing aborted and so he leaked the pregnancy to the press before it could be finalized. I came out on the raw end of that deal! My esteemed political career is over a good year-and-a-half before it would have been otherwise. And now my everyone knows I can't play with the big boys since I publicly got my 'Trailer Park' on. It's not fair. Bush gets to be a druggie doofus and have tramps for kids, but I get called on the carpet? It's a double-standard, baby!"

GU: "We might actually agree on that. Next, we got a quote from former Foe Of Liberty ring-leader Dick Cheney, who's still the biggest dick we know.
He said, quote, "Sarah Palin is a two-bit whore who goes where she's told and does what she's told. But she made the mistake all women make; she spoke."
What's your response to that?"
Palin: "That crusty zombie dog-fucker can kiss my ass; this whore's getting paid the big bucks now! Not all of us could make a living off war-profiteering, you Nazi child rapist!"

GU: "We also heard from Levi, who said "It doesn't matter if 'Momma' can't make it to the Playgirl shoot; it ain't nothin' she ain't seen before. But I know she does hate to miss a good spread." What's your response to that?"
Palin: (sobs uncontrollably) "Levi... (sniff!)...I would have given you the world! If only you could have smiled for the cameras, dammit!"

GU: "So, what's next on Sarah Palin's agenda to help the world by utilizing your considerable beauty contestant and talking head skills?"
Palin: "I think I'm a start me one of them Queer conversion centers, and fuck gay people up real bad so they're miserable. And if they refuse to convert, I'll shoot 'em and hang 'em on the wall like the endangered species they are in our new Amerika. Heil Jesus! Heil Jesus! Heil Jesus!"

GU: "I ...think we're good! Georgia Unity OUT! Begone, bitch, before I drop a house on you too!"
Palin: "I feel funny. Something's wrong; I feel like I've been clear and articulate. What'd you do to me!?!?!"


"I'm a-huntin' you next, faggots!"
(Palin considers her next career choice.)

Georgia Unity suggests that if you need it pointed out to you that this is a spoof, then you are in need of much more than a clue or a sense of humor. Legal notes that although the name 'Jesus' was invoked in the above interview, no actual likeness to any Jesus living or dead should be inferred by said invocation. Happy 'regular old Thursday in November' to all.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Popularity, like the rest of life, is not constant

Back when I was in high school, I started a habit that has served me
well in life. Rather than try to fit my square peg into the round hole
of an established group, I gathered my own troops. I learned to draw
together miscellaneous individuals who didn't quite fit in anywhere,
giving us vagabonds an erstwhile 'place in the sun.'

The point has never been that everyone sit around and sing
"Kumbaya," or even necessarily have conversations. But the
disparate need companionship just as much as the masses who
long to be identified by their very sense of 'belonging.'

At one high school, the 'group' consisted of the hyper-active
and overweight kid, the gawky nerd, the upper-crust closet
lesbian, the misdiagnosed 'special needs' kid, the depressive,
and me. I was--and am-- a combination of socially awkward,
health problems, mental problems, emotional problems, non-
conforming sexual identity, etc., so I can pretty much identify
with anyone...except someone who pretends there's nothing
wrong with themselves.

At another high school, I brought together tomboys, flamboyant
blacks, abused rednecks, orphans, and the vampiric.

At my final high school, there was Suicide Girl, the hippie,
the German exchange student, a former gang-banger who
had given it up after her best friend died, and a cracker who
was living in an orange grove because his home life had been
so bad.

As I said, there wasn't always hand holding and indepth
political discussions. But there was camaraderie in our
differences. We all knew the pain of being disenfranchised
and left behind. Having someone come and ask us to join
them, even if only for a meal, sometimes made a difference.
Looking into the faces of people who understood one's pain
absent words and definition was a solace of its own.

Sometimes, the new found confidence given by finding a
piece of acceptance led those in the non-team (think "The
Defenders" comic book) to draw new people to them.
Sometimes, people would 'desert' us in favor of a new
group that was more socially desirable or simply more

It hurt at the time, feeling as if I had been used to help
someone 'over the hump' only to be left when things
got better for them, a la a starter wife, but through the
 years I have gained perspective. I often think of the line
"We have friends for a reason, a season, or life." You
never know going into it what your investment will yield--
what level of commitment will be given back.

That's as it should be.

Life is all about the not knowing. Rigidity and expectation
accomplish nothing good. When we give of our self to
another, it is always risk. There is no guarantee on our

Furthermore, if we care about someone....truly, deeply
care about their well being.....then we want for their happiness.
We want for them to be happy; not to have their happiness
contingent upon their connection with us.

But humans are fragile and our egos reign supreme. Feelings
do get hurt. And, as "Jane Austin Book Club" so aptly pointed
out; "High school is never over!" These occurrences of being
passed over for better offers continue to this day.

A friend that I made some time back had been pretty
much a loner, as I am. We hit it off and helped each
other through some rough spots; inadvertently caused
a few along the way, too, I'm sure, as such things go.
But there was at least a one-sided sense of 'Butch &
Sundance' about the whole pairing, that sense of 'being
alone, together.' And then something happened, and he
seemed to really blossom into new relationships with
others almost overnight.

Now, it goes without saying that the newfound connections
are a blessing, and I'm proud of the growth and thrilled for
the new life being experienced. But there is an inevitable
sadness, too, at the passing of the status quo. That seemingly
unique connection now seems lost, and it's just a reality. No
blame, no regret, no big deal even; just a reminder not to
take things for granted. You never know how long they'll last.

I feel more confident in my ability to relate to new people,
and the possibility of coming into contact with them. But in
my present circumstance, I don't imagine the possibility of
too many liberal-minded fellows flowing my way. It was
precisely because this friendship was so unique and
unexpected that it meant so much. As I've gotten older,
the number of people I care to talk to at all--let alone
feel genuine affection for--has greatly been reduced.

And no matter how old you are or how accomplished
you feel, there's always a sense of the whole "What's
wrong with me?" self pity that creeps in with any rejection,
perceived or valid.

I'm smarter these days, possibly even a tad more mature.
 I won't be lighting any candles and playing whiny chick
music while I decry the injustice and betrayal of it all. No
waxing on about abandonment, either. But the familiarity
of the empty spot within and how easily it can creep back
 in to my reality is a bit unsettling. Yeah, yeah; ebb and
flow, circle of life; I get it.

Maybe my purpose as a person in this instance was to
teach my friend about their inherent potential and love-ability.
I know I gained a great deal from his insights and example.
Shouldn't that be enough? At what point is keeping
perspective more easily done than said?

After all, just because a new friend isn't on the horizon, I
know intuitively that I haven't met my last fellow sad sack
in need of commiseration. I wouldn't trade my independence
for a million party invites, and somewhere out there is
someone who can appreciate that.