Let's just eliminate all the bullshit, shall we?

Thursday, August 27, 2009


'nuff said.

Ruth: You're just a bee charmer, Idgie Threadgoode. That's what you are, a bee charmer.

Ruth: Don't you ever say never to me.

Miss Threadgoode: I found out what the secret to life is: friends. Best friends.

Miss Threadgoode: A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same.

Sipsey: Oh it don't make no kind of sense. Big ol' ox like Grady won't sit next to a colored child. But he eats eggs- shoot right outta chicken's ass!

Evelyn: Towanda! Righter of Wrongs, Queen Beyond Compare!
Miss Threadgoode: How many of them hormones you takin', honey?

: Ruth, I have to say. I believe Idgie's been a bad influence on you.
Ruth: I agree!

: It's all right, honey. Let her go. Let her go. You know, Miss Ruth was a lady. And a lady always knows when to leave.

Ruth: Go on you ol' Bee Charmer, tell me a good tall tale.

Idgie: See, now is a time for courage. I guess you already know that there are angels masquerading as people walking around this planet and your mom was the bravest one of those.

Evelyn: I never get mad, Miss Threadgoode, never, the way I was raised, it was bad manners. Well I got mad, and it felt great. I felt like I could just beat the shit out of all those punks! Excuse my language. And then when I finish with those punks, I'll take on all the wife beaters like Frank Bennett, machine gun their genitals.
Miss Threadgoode: How many of them hormones you takin', honey?

Evelyn: ...and if you wont listen to reason, theres always...TOWANDA.

Idgie: WHAT ?



Ruth:I KNOW.









Wednesday, August 26, 2009

THE NEW RACISM..(Reality can't be glossed over with humor)

"I've got your watermelon patch right here!"

by Robert Sayre II

As a Southerner born and bred, I'm no stranger to particular nuances and peculiarities of
life in these past-based states. But with the enticing allure of the pitch "It's so nice here in Donalsonville; everybody waves at you when you drive by," I moved to a small town in rural Southern Georgia, and my education began.

The pleasantries are delivered to your face , sure enough. Some times. Depending on whether you "mind your place" or not, though, disgust and disappointed shakes of the head are also dispensed regularly. It's the Good Ole Boy Network, and it's in full effect.

The twin mantras of "That's the way it's ALWAYS been done" and " That's just the way things work around here" are the
fiercely held tenets of these supposedly God-fearing and God-loving people. Don't upset the apple cart, and you may witness some superficial twinges of Christianity. But it won't be the creed of "Jesus loves us every one" or "Treat others the way you would treat Jesus Himself." No, it's definitely more of a polarized "public persona/private persona" sort of mystique they go for here. Or, more accurately, a "preferred company/mixed company" difference of presentation and attitude.

To set foot in Donalsonville (and--to be fair--we aren't the only town like this....that's the scary part) is to step backwards in time. The outside world is a mystical conjuring by which these good folks won't be swayed . Things are cozy and comfy here, with things just the same. And since no one complains, that must be the same as no one is
unhappy, right? Why, the 'coloreds' even have their own section of the newspaper, called--quaintly enough--The Ebony News. I kid you not. That's their version of progress around here, and they're mighty perplexed as to why some folks have a problem with that.

Now, if a man with dark skin commits a crime, he can be on the front page, naturally. But death notices, weddings, and church news, well, they can make do with their own separate--not equal--section. "All the white folks seem happy with that. So how is it a race issue?"

This is the New Age of Racism. Quiet. Unassuming. Aware enough that it is unwelcome in certain quarters, so
duplicity is employed to discern the right time and place to use oft-heard terms like "greasy niggers", or "Lazy fucking worthless niggers" or some such terms of endearment that Christ would surely approve of; the same mouths will greet Black folks in the street with glee and alarming levels of concern for their well-being. Somewhat more toned down if too many white friends are close by, but you get the picture. It's glad-handling to some, and the unedited truth for others.

When it was leaked to the actual newspapers an hour away in Albany that the KKK was coming to Donalsonville last year, a slow burn started. Shock and outrage that the Klan had already gotten a permit some months beforehand from Donalsonville officials--tho no one would cotton to who had ultimately been responsible for the blunder--spread slowly, enhanced by the existence of the small town grapevine and also a Donalsonville-designated online news forum site.

I knew ahead of the news that 'something' was coming when a tow truck driver I'd had need of was having a very bizarre (and none too subtle) conversation with some fellow sheet-wearers in public about how "The Thing" from Mississippi had come through, and they were "really gonna do it now" Well, the average male Southerner is a little 5 year old boy trapped in a 30-something or 40-something year old body anyway, but when you throw in secret codes and secret handshakes and special outfits, they just about lost their tea. They want you to know what's going on, but they want to make it seem dark and mysterious and special at the same time. We're not dealing with NASA personnel here.

But after the creepy gruesome feeling that was left from overhearing that conversation, I was leery of something happening. That's when I heard about the Klan and that they had gotten word in Bainbridge (where the head Dragon
was located, approximately 30 minutes away) that the Klan would be receiving help from other states for their Klan-Bake...including Mississippi. Oh, the proud shine of being a Mississippian that joyous day!

(to be continued...)

Friday, August 21, 2009


I say to myself,
"Self...I really think
you have a lot to offer.
It's too bad no one else
seems to think so."

And I convince myself
that my insides are transparent
to the world outside.
Surely my needs,
like the truths of the
Declaration of Independence,
are self-evident.
Independence has a price,
like all great notions.

I sit alone and contemplate
my aloneness
as a point of some irksomeness,
but the thought of leaving home
and being around others
is irritating, too.

There may never be another
who 'gets' all my jokes,
who finds all my flavors tasty,
who wants to lend a hand
even when I might not know
I really need one.
Who told me that this partner
I seek
is external, anyway?

I have become aware of my own
precociousness, arrogance,
insolence, self-pity, isolativeness,
and more.
I also am equally sure there are
untold additional perks of which
I am still unaware.
But still I need love.
I find myself adorable and delightful,

(You, on the other hand,
have serious fucking problems
and personality quirks.
It somehow seems so clear.)

The call of the familiar and the old
is so alluring,
even with the empty house
and the sleepless nights
and the echoing endless thoughts
and the lack of human voices
and touch.
My soul,
how long since
a warm embrace.

I know I must first
embrace myself
before another can do same,
before I am ready
to offer something true
to another.
Today I wonder,
"Will my entire life
be preparing
for a moment
I never can achieve?"

What the hell's so great about
inclusion anyway?
Screw e-harmony and
be damned.
Like the man
said, "I didn't want to
join, anyway."
I don't need matching t-shirts,
a logo, an i.d. card,
or a false idol.

I remain ever enchanted
by the surly
and sullen and stand-offish,
my real needs,
despite 20 years of therapy,
common sense.
The past patterns us well,
and being disregarded
was well imprinted
on me.

Every day
I seek
to end that servitude,
to cruelties ancient
and self-perpetuated.
Today being alone is
a burden
on my heart.
Tomorrow it may be
a blessing from above.

how could I subject
somebody else
to all this drama?

by Robert Sayre, II

Saturday, August 15, 2009

And When Each Day.....

And When Each Day....
by Robert Sayre

And when each day brings
trials and tribulations
harder than the previous ones,
we fall farther into the trap,
Of life, of course.

WHY, why is it so hard
to live
to love
to understand?
And those who would pretend
to be what they are not
Lose truly more than a feeling
of self-esteem
but moreover one's feelings themselves.

When thoughts are dictated through
majority rule and individuality
of thought becomes a fading thing of the past,
A shout cries out to save the people
almost without hope
almost without voice
A shout which says to those who
would forsake the true nature of their
soul to buy false camaraderie,
to have spirit and courage,
to know that it's a far better and
happier man
who improves upon his faults and
misgivings than one who denies them.

Contemplate not life, but how you can live it.
Troubled feelings and broken hearts
are better by far than those who never
love or relish in victory,
for development and growth within the
heart and soul
are better than an emotionless world.


"Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself. It is a hallmark of an authoritarian regime. "~Potter Stewart

"If you want to make enemies, try to change something." - Woodrow Wilson

I have always loved that the world is full of so much I don't know!

Reading and listening to other people and the ideas and experiences they have, and discussing
with them the similarities and differences in our opinions has always fascinated me. Whenever I get the chance to pass on the information or the source for potential enthusiasm to others, I'm psyched. Here's hoping something posted here strikes a chord with someone.

I'm so happy to know today that I don't know all that there is to know...and never will, so long as I am breathing!

Some more of my dastardly free-thinking notions, corrupting the youth and other susceptible sorts! (Any comments not in quotations are mine; they have not been approved or provided by the mentioned sites. The web sites promoted are not aware of my ads, and I received no compensation for listing the ads. Just so there's no confusion!)
Best, Roberto......

"Conformity is the jailer
of freedom and the enemy
of growth."
-John F. Kennedy
"There is only one success-
to spend your life
in your own way."
-Christopher Morley
"The most important thing is
to be whatever you are
without shame."
-Rod Steiger
"I am only one; but still
I am one.
I cannot do everything,
but still I can do
I will not refuse to do
the something I can do."
-Helen Keller
"Be kind, for everyone you meet
is fighting a great battle."
-Philo of Alexandria
A good way to judge people is
by observing how they treat
those who can do them
absolutely no good.
We are never as alone
as we might think.
It is our adherence
to "everyone else's" doing
that keeps our spirits shackled.
Rise up, and set yourself free!
(my old e-mail address)
"'Selfishness' is not living as
one wishes to live, it is asking
others to live as one wishes to
-Oscar Wilde
"If egotism means a terrific
interest in one's self, egotism is
absolutely essential to efficient
-Arnold Bennett
"Resolve to be thyself: and
know, that he who finds himself,
loses his misery."
-Matthew Arnold
Life is hard and painful
for all of us;
(some just hide it better!)
Don't be afraid or shamed
to seek the help you need
for a broken heart or
a hurting mind.
Choose life!
Crisis Line 1-866-582-7763
or 1-800-SUICIDE
"No one can make you feel
inferior without your consent."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
"Injustice never rules forever."
"You must be the change
you wish to see in the world."
-Mahatma Gandhi
Marriage does not make
a person complete,
but being denied the
opportunity to marry
may make us feel incomplete.
People loving people
IS God's way.
Jesus taught love
and compassion,
not condemnation and
Remember that when
speaking on His behalf.
Being "different" just means
having to work a little harder
at life;
You are not alone!
He was not absurd;
The world around him
was lacking.
The Truth is out there!
"Rudeness is the weak person's
imitation of strength."
-Eric Hoffer
"Man's mind, once stretched,
never gains its original
-Oliver Wendell Holmes


What's going on in this country isn't unique. See the international erosion of free expression at

To get info on protecting the rights to freedom of information, check out


"Every freeman has an undoubted right to lay what sentiments he pleases before the public; to forbid this, is to destroy the freedom of the press: but if he publishes what is improper, mischievous, or illegal, he must take the consequences of his own temerity. To subject the press to the restrictive power of a licenser, as was formerly done, both before and since the Revolution, is to subject all freedom of sentiment to the prejudices of one man, and make him the arbitrary and infallible judge of all controverted points in learning, religion and government. "
-excerpts from Blackstone's commentary within the U.S. Constitution's First Amendment, the section regarding Freedom of Expression: Speech and Press


So, when I first retired here to Hicksville to die, I still had enough fire in my belly to know that Wrong is Wrong, and that it's my duty to speak out against it however and whenever I can. I just can't stand to see other people in pain.

After all, I'm a big believer in lighting that candle instead of simply cursing the darkness. Giving voice to the unspoken and unseen is a big part of empowering ourselves in the fight against conformity and small-mindedness. Because those who wish to maintain the status quo and allow their minds to rot and avoid development will always band together with loud and boisterous screeching. And the assertion that they are right, no matter what.

Anywho, the local fish wrapper was a real brain blaster! I was absolutely amazed at how stilted and incestuously guarded their warped way of life was. They of course were disinterested in running articles advocating thinking for ones' self or pursuing divergent thoughts and philosophies, and they refused even to print a contrary opinion in the Letters to the Editor section. So I thought, since I don't have the money to restart my paper here, I'll just post little "Love Notes" in the back of their propaganda rag. See, they were more than willing to take my money in order to post messages to their readers! Mm--hmm!

So I began a series of tidbits I hoped would be inspirational, incite discussion, or show people they weren't alone. Because make no mistake; promoting one particular brand of thinking as absolute does not abolish other brands of thinking from existence. There were others in this community with different voices being silenced and ignored.

So this went on for a while until I met with an angry refusal to run any further ads. Purportedly, 'Daddy' had come back from hospital and was pissed off that all that Faggoty Horseshit had been tainting his paper! And there had been complaints! ("Somebody's thinking different! Stop the presses!") So I would not be allowed any further space for my money, regardless of what the content of the ad was!

Just for shits and giggles, here are all of the ads I ran in their ass-wiper, exactly as they originally appeared, so as to give you a better idea of the scurrilous controversy that was nearly averted by the ever-watchful eye of the Donalsonville News. May God save us all from the horrors of the following deceptive and immoral thinking!

Peace out, Robert


Feeling alone in a crowd?
You're not!
"The Emperor Has No Clothes"
"Different" isn't a bad thing
just because someone
told you so.
Believe in yourself!
To live a lie
is to lose your voice
and condemn your spirit.
Live free!
Spirituality is not contained
in any ONE building
or any ONE religion.
Enlightenment is seeing ALL
men and women as
our brothers and sisters.
"Survival is triumph enough."
-Harry Crews
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
-M. Cathleen Casey
A single kindness
can undermine a
hundred atrocities.
More can be
accomplished with a
smile and a kind
word than a heavy hand. Do your part.
(my old e-mail address)
"The ultimate measure of a man
is not where he stands in
moments of comfort and
convenience, but where he stands
at times of challenge and
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
"People don't seem to realize
that doing what's right is
no guarantee against misfortune."
-William McFee
Same-sex attraction
has existed throughout history,
in most species, in every family,
in every society, in every city.
You are NOT alone.

to be continued.........

(For some good reading on the law and public response to the First Amendment, check out:)


Friday, August 14, 2009

Another variety of Grief, part 2

I left a large portion of loss out of the first part of this because it tends to alienate so many. But I'd be remiss if I pretended that the loss of my animal companions through the years has not been especially difficult. They are devoted, loving, and spend more time with us (typically) than the average human. I don't call them pets; they're my babies. That pretty much says all there is. think of it what you will.

So there I was, dealing with this horrible sense of loss and emptiness, and most everyone I know killed or dead (or gone because my constant depression was too much to handle.) I had often felt like I would not live to be older than 25. I had what I would later come to know as Survivor's Guilt, and I didn't know how to proceed.

I gave up on life. I went through the motions, but I didn't care about anything. The only thing that kept me even halfway pulled together at this time were my 12 step support groups, and my grief support group (The Life Center of Tampa Bay.) I was in counseling too, and was in relationships that came and went (including an ongoing that continuously came and went!) I was a veracious reader and read all the death and dying manuals and self-help and grief books I could to see how others had coped. The words got in, even if it took a long time to register.

But only through dealing with other people who could relate to what the hell was going on--or at least allow me my craziness to express it regardless--was I able to cope with the mess my life had become.

I felt empty and alone, and my abandonment and security issues were full throttle (or 'wide open' as they say up here.) The things I was using to 'help' were doing anything but, and I really had no interest in my own well being. I was just sleepwalking.

I couldn't make sense in my head how 5 year olds and 20 year olds and 16 year olds could just be gone. I didn't know why I had been given a miracle of 'making it through' situations and people and illness that should have killed me a dozen times over.

I gave up on life. I couldn't even deal with the memories of the dead and gone anymore; I was too easily overwhelmed by the loss. It made me want to be here 'alone' even less. I took down pictures. I boxed up personal gifts and cards and letters. I didn't want any reminders that I had been open and vulnerable and hurt. I lived like a refugee, much to Tom Petty's distress.

The week before my 25th birthday, my adoptive father died in front of me in his home, where I was living at the time. I watched with a mix of detachment and satisfaction and horror as his body twitched and turned blue. My Mother was on the phone with 911, and when they arrived and started working on him (for her benefit) I knew he was gone. His abdomen was so puffed up from all the air they were pumping into him, and you could read their expressions. The ride to and from the hospital that night was the longest I have ever had. I gave his eulogy, too, although I'm sure many were stunned by the fact.

(The day after the funeral, I was in a bad car accident which re-injured all my knee and hip problems from the first. I really thought it was going to be the 'One,' but once again...)

I continued to see loss around me all the time, and my sense of it being a disproportionate part of my life remained a painful assumption, rather than a learning opportunity.

After making contact with my birth family, I became close to several members and we have remained so. I have lost several of them in a relatively short period of time, including a great aunt, an uncle, a cousin, a second cousin and more. But I gained a lot of strength from my one Aunt, who is adept at living life 'on life's terms.' She grieves, she questions, she hurts, and then, at the end of the day, she moves on with life. It takes strength, courage, work, a positive outlook and chutzpah, but you do what has to be done. And you don't forget the dead.

Several of the older women that I looked in on and cared for passed in the time after I moved up to Southwest Georgia. Just a part of things, but sometimes seeing someone so regularly at the end of their journey, knowing it's coming, can be a strange sensation.

Two years ago, I experienced a loss which turned me upside down. I felt pain and heartache like I have never known. And it started me on a (further) downward spiral that lasted nearly all of those two years, leading to the point where I truly believed the only answer was to take my own life. This time, not in an emotional fit or a half-witted stab, but as a legitimate, well planned decision that would be carefully executed every step of the way.

But the Universe intervened, and at that critical moment, I asked for one last chance. Just a little hope. And I received it. Now don't do this and expect some damned 'Touched By An Angel' tree to come crashing into your trailer and knock a gun out of your hand. You still have to take action. My spirit told me to make a call. I made four for good measure. What I found on the other end of the line gave me what i needed for just one more day. And slowly, with just the effort to take a chance, things got a little better.

My fervent belief that I had no chance transformed. Slowly, but surely. Tiny things happened. Despair lessened. I kept trying new things, changing thoughts, meeting with people, improving diet. The more work I did, the better things seemed. Even a minute of relief was welcome. The crazy thinking got a little better. I had new voices to listen to instead of the same old negative, condemning, pessimistic ones. Just leaving the 'comfort' of my home was a monumental challenge at first, but I continued.

It took me a long time to realize that stuff just plain happens; it isn't 'happening to me.'

I have slowly become better at keeping alive the memories of those important to me. I have learned to reopen myself to people, life, love, relationships, and the future. I have learned to let go of pain as an excuse to keep from risking. I have let go of behaviors that were continuing my
cycle of distrust and self abuse. I have let go of guilt and shame that have been regular parts of my world for 4 decades. It isn't easy; but Just Do It.

I have come to know that nothing is promised, and that's part of the randomness and chaos of life. I can't exert control into a place it doesn't exist; trying to manufacture a pattern or reason for things happening. Expecting a life extinguished to make sense. The only sense it holds for me is that a life is a precious thing. Our lives are precious in spite of what we do to pretend otherwise. Life has value when you value it.

As I have been able to get outside my own dark thoughts and explore new and more relaxed ways of thinking, I have become more able to enjoy things. To see good that exists; to simply be content with having a life and believing that there is a future for me. For a long time, there was no desire or faith or hope. Now, I have seen and experienced first hand that I can make a difference in my own life. I am not relegated to being depressed, despairing, or worthless. Those were labels I was given and that I manufactured to make sense of my interpretation of the world. But it's not 'who I am.'

I have choice in every area of life.

Whether or not I live it.

Whether I live it well or not.

Whether I excel or just am content to get by.

Whether or not I experience the miracles that are around us, big and small.

Whether or not I reach out to others, or constantly await them to seek me.

Every person I have ever known has given me some gift. Whether a blessing that lifted my heart, or a curse that made me stronger. I know that I can do what needs to be done. I am not an accident, a mistake, or a problem. I have had accidents, made mistakes, and suffered problems, but those things to not make up who I am.

I am a survivor of many cruelties, and still I stand strong. I have been blessed to know many beautiful people in this lifetime, and now I see what a treasure that is. I am able to accept and appreciate even a slight joy in a world of misery, rather than wasting time bemoaning the misery. I have experienced much of what all people experience, and I may be able to help another cope with part of the normal ebb and flow of life.

Whereas once I saw loss and abandonment....now I am grateful for the time shared, and the lessons learned. I look forward to the possibilities of what new people I may meet, and the current relationships I hope grow stronger still.

Another Variety of Grief

When I was a kid, I didn't have much interaction with other people...period. But the interactions I did have were always with much older people.

My adoptive parents were on subsequent marriages, were both a good bit older, and all of their friends and coworkers were similarly older. So when their relatives, coworkers, or the rare friends were present (which wasn't often,) I learned how to communicate in Old people lingo.

I learned to think like an old person, dwell on old people concerns, and attach to old people. I had no friends my age.

So when I eventually started school and had no friends and no skills for making friends, I stood out like a fish out of water. My concerns and interests were different anyhow, but the social barrier really accentuated it.

When I was just 6, my grandfather died in the line of duty as a Hillsborough County Sheriff's officer. I didn't understand death, but it scared the hell out of me. The fact that Nana was so sad and everybody was acting so weird really freaked me bad. And the corpse at the funeral was too much; I just stared and stared and stared while the voices droned on.

I got used to death at an early age; accustomed to its regularity, seeing as I knew so many old people. I was confused in school that other people had never lost anyone and thought I was weird because I talked about it incessantly.
In 5th Grade, I think it was, a boy in our class (of 20 students) died unexpectedly in a skiing accident. That was super bizarre.

One day soon after it occurred, I had come to school late as a result of a funeral in our family, and I encountered the boy's Mom in the doorway to the offices. It was one of those strange, strained, uncomfortable dealings where there was nothing whatsoever to be said and the silence was deafening. I just recall that look of despair; how it looked like this previously vibrant and loving person had just disappeared. What on earth was she thinking? What would happen to her now? We passed, nothing spoken, and my heart ached for her. That helplessness of watching people suffer has stayed with me.

My paternal grandmother died when I was about 14 years old. I was in the midst of a meltdown, being booted from school, leaving home and other nonsense when it occurred, and I'm sorry to say that all I really remember of that time was the selfishness of feeling more abandoned and alone in the world. She had been good to me, even though she supposedly had not been around for my Dad at all. (You can imagine the resentments there.)

I lost two good souls to suicide at this time. That was devastating, especially in the midst of teen hormones and my own failed attempts. I had precious few friends to begin with, and this started the idea in my head that I was plagued by Death. That those close to me were being picked off. That death was the one thing that people who knew me had in common. It sounds absurd, but it's the thinking of a troubled mind. Especially when more than half of your world is in the ground at age 14 and most people you know still haven't lost a single person they know. (That sense of not being able to share my loss, or have other people relate to it was equally isolating.)

A brilliant young man whom I admired and had a huge crush on was responsible for a drunken driving crash that killed a little girl. The senselessness and insanity of all aspects of the tragedy shook me greatly. To know that such despair could come from a moment of stupidity was mind-boggling. I don't believe in destiny and predestined lives, so it was just a colossal damned waste of possibility.

I would later find out (12 years later) that my birth mother, Mary, was killed on Christmas Day of 1985. While I didn't know her at the time, I was staying alone at my parents' house while they vacationed across country at the time (1985/1986 school holiday season.) I was miserably depressed and bottomed out and suicidal once more, but I focused on my writing and produced a poem which still helps me to this day. I don't believe in coincidences, so I'm sure that was my mother reaching out to me) When I learned that she was dead, and how, that realization that I would never get to see her or hear her voice was devastating. I had searched for my birth family for about a decade, and to have that truth revealed was hugely painful.)

This being the mid-Eighties meant one thing for a young and sexually active homosexual male; the HIV-A.I.D.S. crisis. The only real place of belonging I had found was in my fellow outcasts, and all the people I knew were dying horrible deaths. Withering away, unrecognizable, depressed, tossed aside by family and work and church and friends. It seemed like all we could do for a while was hold hands and bury the dead. Some chose to kill themselves rather than face the unknown. Many disappeared from the 'Scene,' choosing to lose themselves in the church, marriages, or denial. I don't blame them. It was a lonely, frightening, brutal time.

Relationships became harder to establish. People were scared of any kind of intimacy. The deaths I had experienced made me retreat even further from other people, emotionally. It was just 'too much' to go through over and over again.
And it always seemed to be good people suffering. Not just dying, but suffering and dying. After being placed in an evangelical school where they regularly condemned me and harassed me verbally and physically about my sexuality, I made another suicide attempt. I crashed my car, but something prevented it from being fatal. I feel the effects of that crash every day I am still alive.

One morning I awoke around 6 a.m., having been touched by a messenger. I sat and waited. The phone rang, and I dressed and went out into the house. Mother was on the kitchen phone and started breaking down into tears. I knew I had to be the one to maintain, as the voice had guided me, so I went over and took the phone as she grieved then loss of her Mother.

My Grandmother Grace is probably the single most influential figure in my life. She was the only person who has ever shown me truly unconditional love and kindness. She was a nurturer, a role model, a friend, a comfort, a confidante, an ally and an inspiration. She cared for me and raised me and lived in the next room for many years. She alone knew what the reality of life in that house was. We were bonded forever. I helped with plans, and I gave the eulogy as she had requested. I just got through it. My aunt told my Mom at the funeral to "Stop crying..it was gonna be all right." I don't recall what I said, but I know the comment created rage within me.

People are always trying to control and suppress and invalidate our emotions. And grief is one of the most personal matters around. Possibly the deepest hurt we will ever experience. At least it has been in my experience. While driving along the highway a week later, I nearly crashed when I burst into tears without warning. It was a deep, guttural sobbing that I couldn't stop, and was so intense that I couldn't see through the waterworks. Something guided me me to the side of the road safely and I cried for the longest time before I felt spent.

Not long after I lost my best friend Todd. Shortly after having left the hospital, I called back up to check on him. The nurses would only say that "You need to get in touch with his family." During his funeral, the preacher (who didn't even know Todd) started doing Hellfire and Brimstone for the sake of his parents. They had showed up out of nowhere in Todd's last days to condemn him to Hell and 'convert' him, making his last moments on earth wretched and scary. No one spoke about Todd or his life or his spirit or loves during the entire spectacle. When it turned into a tent revival, I walked out. The preacher made the mistake of singling me out for his disapproval. I have avoided all but 3 funerals since then.

My friend John was pretty sick for a good while. He had Hospice and was pretty ready to go. I think he had time to make peace with a lot, which is good. He was a friend, as well as the brother and brother-in-law of two other close friends, so when he went at least there was some support in place. We even had a celebratory dinner for John's 'real' family after the service, which I truly enjoyed. (I sat under a tree and communed with nature and John during that service.)

more to follow.....

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Who's To Blame?!?!

Starting Point...an offering‏
From: robert sayre (robertsayre2@hotmail.com)
Sent: Wed 6/10/09 10:23 AM

Sometimes I forget to take a moment and START the day. I fall out of bed, immediately mindful of my Checklist of Stuff that needs attending, busily fretting about time factors and personalities and....all I need to do is take a moment and get off on the right foot.

If I stay in bed long enough to focus my mind and my emotions before I take on the world, I get a clearer sense of where I am, where I need to be, and how I need to get there. If I jump up and stub my toe and cuss and say to myself "I guess it's going to be one of those kind of days," then that's exactly what will happen. I can will a bad day into existence very easily. That is the power of the mind and the will. So why would I refuse to harness the universe's (and my own) power to put forth positive, strong imagery and energy?

It's simple enough.

"I choose to face what may come with the type of spirit I want to become a part of my life. I accept my responsibility for my life.....I will try my very best to refrain from blaming and criticizing or condemning ANYONE this day. Including myself. The past is not shackled to me, and the future is not an unavoidable given; I choose my response and take on both. I will stop worst-case-scenario thinking in its tracks, and instead allow the possibility of hope and a miracle in my life today. I allow that I am deserving of as much love and kindness as everyone else on the planet, and I will act on that acceptance EVEN if it does not feel genuine yet. I will work towards a fuller personhood, and to being the type of person I want to attract."

For today, I believe in POSSIBILITIES.

Love, Robert

Confucius Quotes (Known in the South as "Confused Us")

Confucius Quotes

· Even when walking in the company of two other men, I am bound to be able to learn from them. The good points of the one I copy; the bad points of the other I correct in myself.

· It is not the failure of others to appreciate your abilities that should trouble you, but rather your failure to appreciate theirs.

· Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

· The man of wisdom is never in two minds about right and wrong; the man of benevolence never worries about the future; the man of courage is never afraid.

· The superior man is distressed by the limitations of his ability; he is not distressed by the fact that men do not recognize the ability that he has.

· Those who do not study are only cattle dressed up in men's clothes.

· When you meet someone better than yourself, turn your thoughts to becoming his equal. When you meet someone not as good as you are, look within and examine yourself.

· Person who chases two rabbits catches neither.

(* The ChinaMan had it going on! Don't dwell too tightly on them; straining may result! -Robert)

Couldn't have said it better....Great quotes for Improving yourself


"In forgiving ourselves, we make the journey from guilt for what we
have done (or not done) to celebration of what we have become."
--Joan Borysenko

Pitying yourself will get you nowhere. Things aren't always going to
go the way you want them to, but still you must set the rules regarding
how you respond to them.

There is incredible beauty, in the gentle and quiet spirit, precious in
God's direction.

"He who cannot rest, cannot work; He who cannot let go, cannot hold
on; He who cannot find footing, cannot go forward."
--Harry Emerson Fosdick

"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far
more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
--Benjamin Franklin

If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first
examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better
changed in ourselves.
--Carl Jung

Voices we prefer to ignore may speak words we need to hear.
--Don Deal


Stiff Upper Grip

i feel no doubt
i feel no fears
i feel no regret
i shed no tears

none of these are true,
but I choose
i choose you
i choose you
(smiling self)

i cannot deny
there's suffering and pain
but i can't give in
i must strongly maintain

-Robert Sayre, 12/18/08

Simple Recipe

Just sharing this nice reminder. Author unknown.

It came as one of those typically annoying mass e-mails, but with some surprising relevance to it.

Hope it does something for you, too.




1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him (or Her, or It, or whatever you'
re into.)

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are in need. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.

JESUS Save me from your followers! (Anti-Obama)

WHAT FOLLOWS IS AN E-MAIL sent to me from a friend who just happens to be a big time Bible-thumpin' reactionary Right Winger.

I don't know who the originating sender was. It's all good. They pretty much parrot one another endlessly anyway. I like that the one chick 'really doesn't know' what the Bible says, but she knows what it means to her!

It's priceless, on many levels.
Following the initial e-mail is my timid response to such love and goodness.

Part of my anger was at the regularity people were sending these insipid and ridiculous missives,
especially knowing how I felt.

There's no holding back, for they DO know what they do, father!

By this point, the character assassinations, the lies, the campaign of nonsensical delusional rhetoric had played me OUT!




Date: Thu, 6 Nov 2008

I have signed up for this. I posted a prayer this morning. I didn't vote for Barak Obama but I will pray for him to seek the Lord's face & guidance every day before he makes any decisions.


That may not be exactly correct but that is pretty much what it means to me. Our nation more than ever needs to be healed and so does Obama. He needs Jesus. He just doesn't know it.

But if we as a nation will pray, God will listen. Thanks,Linda

Please go to website below and sign up to pray for our president....


Date: Fri, 7 Nov 2008

What 'the people' need is to pull their heads out of their collective behinds. You can attempt to justify all the irrational crazy fear and anxiety and worry that you're clinging to, but it all boils down to one thing, and it CERTAINLY isn't God-related.

There is MUCH untruth about PRESIDENT-ELECT Obama that was spread by many who were opposed to him. Lies, deceits, falsehoods....that's all the work of the devil. Not God, no matter how you spin it.

Anyone with a second-grade education and a computer has had ample time to discover that our new President is a COMMITTED CHRISTIAN and has been for many years.If you don't think so...if you only subscribe to biased reports, check out the website athttp://www.fightthesmears.com/

What happened to simply agreeing to disagree with one another in this country? Why do you have to demonize a human being just because he/she does not believe the same as you? God's Bible has nothing in it about Christians forcing their viewpoint on others, or slinging mud on Jesus' behalf. The Bible promotes compassion, understanding, treating others like we would treat God himself. There hasn't been much of THAT going on lately.

There are some self-professed Christians who need to do some serious inner soul-searching and spend some one-on-one time alone with God and get right with TRUE Christian principles. At the root of all the Bible is God's LOVE. And that you are to show it to each other, every day in every way. Stop slandering the man. Help to make this country--where the will of THE PEOPLE has been decreed--more the great place it can be. Don't sabotage his attempts just so you feel justified if he fails.

This nation is all about the hard work of the common people, and we are ALL needed now. To put aside differences and petty grievances...to LET GO AND LET GOD and quit judging and hating and cloaking ourselves in contempt.
This is a new day. Let's start acting like the best possible people we can be, and realize that change IS a normal, healthy part of the world.

A man is first a baby, then a boy, then a young man, then midway, then old. All part of the same journey. We are meant to grow and transform in accordance with the world we live in. The world is not stagnant...it is ever-changing.

We have a lot of DEEP-seated racism to deal with in this country. Now is the time for great men and women to show themselves, to speak truth, to remember the humility they would call for in others, and to admit to and overcome the dark places in their heart which we ALL have. Blessings of God's gracious universe upon us all..and may peace and man's rational mind reign over his fears and prejudices.Amen!

Robert Sayre

Donalsonville, GA


The problems with same-sex marriage is that it sets up the false notion that the failed experiment of heterosexual monogamy is worth promoting and following.

Why on earth would we want to pattern our lives after the ridiculously incomplete sham or modern marriage? Marriage is an institution; just like a jail or a hospital or a nuthouse. You don't really want to be there; it's just a place you find yourself sometimes.

The limited notion of the church and government promoted coupling had a need when it began. It kept delivering the population increase and tax base and future warriors needed for struggling cities and states and countries. It provided a morality standard to keep men and women occupied and their minds off politics and procedures. (Nobody has time to worry about misappropriation of funds when you're struggling to put bread on the table.)

Marriage has accomplished a LOT, and its accomplishments should be lauded!
*Sexual fear and control.
*Endless perpetual propagation of the species to an unattainable level
*Mindlessness and loss of identity for the hive command
*Money restraints on the masses

Gay Marriage as an 'issue' is one thing, pure and simple.
Boogie man.
You have to have a good villain in order to promote your own self esteem. This country has been obsessed with the sexual goings-on of other people for EVER! We can't stop thinking about it! But in true deflective fashion, we blame the 'offender.'

"Damn those queers for wanting to marry and settle down in a monogamous relationship; they're flaunting their lifestyle!"

Take your own inventory! Let's address the phony baloney notion of the "Sanctity of Marriage" as it pertains to the delusional concept of hetero-privileged unions. And the sacred respect you people have regarded the institution with.

Here are some interesting current numbers as to the reality of married and unmarried persons in the U.S.; http://www.unmarried.org/statistics.html

Those are just the statistics we KNOW about! What is openly shared!
We don't know how many adulterous affairs go undiscovered or undisclosed! Out of fear or stupidity or loyalty or carrying the party line.
We don't know how many additional men and women in traditional families abuse their kids. Or cover up the abuse. Or stay married to the abuser.

We don't know how many people are secretly miserable (long term) and are just too shy or afraid or apathetic to leave. BEING in a marriage is not an endorsement for a happy marriage. It just means you aren't divorced yet.
Take your own inventory. Let's talk for a bit about the phony baloney "Sanctity of Marriage." Bwah-ha-ha! Whoo...that's a good one! What's so great about it?
-"We hate in others what we most fear in ourselves."
-"That which we hate most in others is that which we hate most in ourselves."
(Don't know the exact author on either version of the quotes; they've been around forever.)

Back in Tampa, we had this nut job (David Caton) who was obsessed with controlling the sex lives of other people. He lived his entire life fighting to keep us gays and lesbians from having equal treatment under the law, keeping civil unions illegal, making pornography unavailable to anyone anywhere, etc.
WHY? Because he was a sex-addict FREAK who couldn't manage his own life and had to attempt to control others since his own hormones and desires were so unruly. That's the typical motivation for these people. (That's not hyperbole; that's documented, self-confessed fact from the nitwit himself. He couldn't just throw out his magazines!)
FMI http://pushingrope.blogspot.com/2006/11/david-caton-blogger-challenge-stop.html
Whenever you see someone railing against homosexuals, you can be certain they have some Liberace dressed skeletons in their closet. We are our own worst enemy. Either in denying our true feelings or in trying to impress our so-called friends in a church by selling out our own and proving what a 'good and faithful servant' we are.
Now, is EVERY person who spits venom and dedicates their life to the abolition of homosexuals a closet fag or dyke? Nah, of course not. Just a disproportionately high number. The rest are just regular lazy nuts who are avoiding OTHER areas of their lives that are unmanageable by targeting us as their scapegoats/deflective fantasies. See? All good!
But back to the main point; Meanwhile, the number of supposedly straight men who are fronting in hetero marriages remains the same. Trying to fit in. Trying to be 'normal.' Trying to win approval. (Or hiding it all together, usually while doing their nasty on the side.)

Look at Exodus International, the big "Former Gays" B.S. fest of so-called 'deprogrammed' gays and lesbians. Their founder recently 'came out' and revealed that his former position of "God cures Queers" was nonsense. All public relations fantasy to try and convince others what he was trying to convince himself of. Here's more:


Here's a great website telling just some of the truth behind the hurtful campaign of lies from the "Ex" Gay Ministries/cults.


and also


What REALLY Causes the Deterioration of a Marriage?
A Reality Check....or 'crazy talk' if you're a buffoon.
-Incompatibility (either irritation over existing problems or those that emerge)
-Money problems
-Child-raising differences
-Changes in personality/falling out of romantic love
-Physical Abuse
-Mental abuse
-Verbal abuse
-Sexual abuse

-Child abuse (yeah, news flash; MOST abuse occurs within the home)

-Murdering your spouse (a patently male-on-female crime)
-Murder/suicides (always popular with the breeders.)

Of course, I'm confident that some Biblical scholars are hard at work on delineating how these defects of personal traits are directly a result of homosexuals outside the marriage influencing these couples! Poor, poor susceptible straight people.
THE BANK ROLL (The REAL push behind the ANTI-GAY Campaigns of the last 20 years!)

Churches and church groups get funding for talking about us scary child-molesting sex-in-the-bushes fags than they do on any other rhetoric and fear front. Even abortion.
Let's talk for a second about the huge amount of money wasted on these anti-gay campaigns.

How many homeless families could have been given shelter with that money? How many hungry mouths fed?
(Instead of printing pamphlets that help lead good people to hate and kill themselves because of the propaganda in this medium.)

How about the number of mentally ill people who can't afford counseling services who could have been helped? All the full-ride hospital care and health coverage that could have been given to poor families who can't properly care for their babies or children? Oh, my bad! I forgot; the Radical Wrong only want to control you giving birth to poor babies; they aren't worried about what happens to them once they're actually here!

There are people falling 'through the cracks' every day. Good people who simply don't have the MONEY it takes to survive or thrive in a society that cares for you based on what you can afford. And what are these people dedicating their time, money, energy, and resources to? Two guys or two gals committing to one another in LOVE!?!?!?

Quit posturing and get real.

There's a false notion of 'normal.' The world religion of so-called Christianity (we're talking the extremist politicos here) have everybody racing towards an ideal and hating their life in the process. People don't even know who they are; they're just on the hamster wheel. Pretending.

Romantic love is an absurd notion. It is the essence of insanity. People are responding to lust and the surge of emotional manipulation they undergo when in the presence of another. THAT'S what marriage is. An impulsive act upon the belief that you can trap another person into prolonging that unnatural feeling of heightened senses. And it fails.
(That is to say, a government/religion-approved man/woman 'REAL' person relationship. Only those with the seal of approval exist when you aren't looking!)

*People get married because they fuck up (i.e., fuck,) wind up pregnant, and feel trapped.

*They get married because it's a financial agreement (tacit or otherwise) where one person holds the cards.

*People get married because they worry about what people will think if they don't (after reaching a 'certain' age.)

*People get married because they are worried about ending up 'alone.' (As if that's the worst case scenario.)

*People get married because they are concerned about pleasing others and meeting the demands of their parents, grandparents, church, etc.

*People get married because they feel obligated to the well being of the person they marry (at the expense of their own well being.)

*People get married because they do what everyone else does without questioning what their own needs and motives are.

*People get married because they are afraid there won't be another opportunity to do so.

*People get married because they want to receive the respect and admiration of people in their chosen profession.

*People get married to enter a country legally.

*People get married to receive breaks on taxes.

*People get married to feel like they have legitimized a relationship that was mediocre or floundering.

*People get married to feel the ecstasy of being the center of attention for a day....and getting free swag.

*People get married because we're a nation of sheep.

*People get married to refrain from being homosexual, when it is their natural disposition.
(People get married to fool others into believing they aren't homosexual.)

*People get married to get to their new spouse's existing daughters and sons.

*People get married to 'stick it' to their ex-spouses OR lovers.

*People get married to upset or go against the wishes of their parents.

*People get married to give their existing kids a new parent.

*People get married to exacerbate or kick-start maturity.

*People get married to escape the trappings of their present circumstances.

*People get married because they're weak and don't realize they can do what they want.

*People get married because they believe the bullshit lie forced down our throats in this culture, that we are a half a person, just waiting for another half-person to come and complete us.





'FORGIVENESS' sucks big green monkey cock

(And not in a 'good' way.)

Well, that's certainly the sentiment that's likely to curry more favor.

We just don't respond as well to the notion that forgiveness is a worthy spiritual pursuit. We recall vividly what happened to all those peaceful sorts; Gandhi, Jesus, Dr. King, Jr. and so on.

It's not a compelling motivation.
No, "Forgiveness is a blessed tool of a loving Universe" just doesn't have the same draw.

We humans have a physiological and psychological aversion to forgiveness. It's part of our defense mechanism, I suppose; our natural defenses against any form of hurt. Hurt wounds us, makes us aware of our ability to be hurt...and that's frightening. We don't like being vulnerable.

For men, it's doubly difficult. We have a hard enough time being vulnerable or open enough to another person or concept in the first place, so betrayal is a real ball-buster. Then, as men, we aren't supposed to get bruised or be fragile, so our hurt is yet another source of shame and vulnerability and frustration.

Typically, the people who 'hurt' us are those we let in close. Those we have taken efforts to trust. To allow. To accept. We have 'played a part' in what ended up hurting us, and we can beat ourselves up for our perceived 'stupidity' to boot.

For many years, I not only bristled at the mere mention of the word 'Forgiveness,' I got physically angry as a result of the intimation that I needed to do something about the affronts made against me. My suffering was real, and by Golly it would not be diminished by some fairy tale happy-ass bullshit of 'turning the other cheek.' It took a good long while to see what was really going on with the hurt and resentment.
Resentments (reliving of past pains) means we are stuck in the past. We are mired in the bad feeling; shackled and chained. We are inextricably attached to something we say we don't like, unable to move forward. We give another person (or even a place or event) the power to control us. It's like declaring them a winner. Because I guarantee that a person without a conscience is not sitting up at night fretting about what they did to you. So who is your distress ultimately hurting?

The selfishness of forgiveness was a realization to me. The question of whether of not my hurt was real or imagined, significant or simple, was irrelevant. What was important was that I was staying a prisoner of negativity and bitterness while the other person(s) was unconcerned, dead, or never even aware that there was a problem. And yet their presence in my mind has dominion over me. I have given permission (directly or indirectly) for something outside my control to be in charge of me.

This is more easily said than done, as most important shit often is. It is a process to leave behind the vendettas and wounds of past hurts. For some reason, "The Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable and the lightness has a call that's hard to hear." as the Indigo Girls so aptly stated. Hurt seems to resonate with us more than joys. Perhaps that protective streak I mentioned earlier; we want to be prepped against future assaults. But we end up with tension, stress, stomach aches, and misguided defenses that dilute our enjoyment of daily life.

We have to take an active stand against our mind and emotions running away with our happiness. This world is all about the drama. People will feed on your discontent. Our paranoia and revenge will fuel us heartily. We dwell on hurts, rather than working to release them. "Being the bigger person" has never been a popular notion. It takes time and hard work to erase anger and resentment; we just have to remind ourselves of the importance of the repercussions of not letting go.

This isn't about becoming a doormat. As a wise friend pointed out, you take the lesson from a hurt and know what not to do in the future; you make more informed choices about when to let people in. But you don't stop letting people in all together. (That's another example of allowing yourself to suffer.)

The lower level emotions of distrust, hurt, anger, etc. cause illness and distraction and other dark manifestations that continue the original pain. It snowballs. The other person might not even give us a second thought. And there's nothing we can do about that.

Yeah, I know, trust me. Helplessness is a royal bitch of a feeling.
But you cannot shame a person when they have no conscience.
You cannot force morality on someone.
You cannot "Go all Rambo" and enforce your version of right and wrong.
You cannot alter someone else's morality, integrity, or anything.
And if you spend your time dwelling on the fact that they are 'deficient' in these areas, it's just a big waste of time.
As Will Rogers said, "You can't legislate intelligence and common sense into people."

Forgiveness isn't mandatory. We have the capacity to stay as miserable as we wish. It's a visceral, powerful emotion that stirs up a lot of physical response. The idea of 'letting go' seems so weak, and makes us feel vulnerable once again just considering it.

There was a recent great documentary about forgiveness I found very moving. Here's some more info on it.

The film brought up some interesting points;
Can you forgive someone who doesn't ask for it? Should you?
Can you forgive someone who doesn't express remorse or acknowledge a need to make amends?

Eric Butterworth has some remarkable insights in his work on

Forgiveness for me is two-fold.
1) It's a spiritual and intellectual way of thinking and living; Things are the way they are, and my wishing otherwise doesn't change them. It is what it is. It is a waste of time and energy and emotion to beat a dead horse. That's science.

2) Not forgiving continues someone else's actions for me to relive and further hurt by keeping it alive. I am not a panicked animal, and I must be smart about keeping my emotions in check. I want to remain open and loving and focused on the good that I have in my life. Not be hindered and heartbroken.
Depending on the deepness of the cut, forgiveness isn't some Pollyannaish 'clean sweep' that is done in a grand easy gesture. And forgiveness isn't assured just because the guilty party issues an apology, heartfelt or not.

Forgiveness doesn't mean continuing to be a battered spouse, and accepting unacceptable behavior. It's not a call to allow people to take advantage of you. You must support, protect, and defend yourself through all available means. But when out of a violent situation, you must eventually come to some kinds of terms with the abuse in order to move on with your life. This is about letting go.

"I can't seem to say good-bye
Though I've tried a million times
The more I learn, the less I know
About The Art Of Letting Go"
(Pat Benatar)

Teacher and writer Louise Hay has talked for years about the power to heal being based directly on our willingness to change our thinking patterns and focus. She offers some insights as to how to make that a reality. (see link)

If we are striving--ever striving--for our inner peace and enlightenment, then the outside world will matter less and less. The actions and feelings of another have no importance in our life. Whether it's as simple as a disrespectful eye roll, as serious as theft, or as invasive as physical violence; if we perpetuate hurt and anger in our minds and hearts, we only create an endless cycle of the misery we detest.

Intentions create our universe. We have to be careful what our mind is focused on at all times.

your always struggling brother, Robert