Let's just eliminate all the bullshit, shall we?







Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Unsure


I feel as though the more I experience, the less
I know anything. Maybe life and people are
like hot dogs; just determine you're going to
enjoy them, and don't ask too many questions
about origins and particulars


I have this rage in me, and it never goes away.
I think, at heart of it, is that the more I discover
humanity, the more I realize how little I want to do
with it. The more I see my imperfections, the more
I know about nothing being reliable...it's all a bit
jarring and much. Is this all there is?


People come at you, so fierce and unknowable,
and they decimate you, and before you know it,
no matter how much you try...the rage. The need to
protect. To defend. To be the one thing that stands
between the entire world and your demise.

Fear and judgment play a part. Ego plays a part.
Assuming intention that may not be there.
Reliving past hurt and seeing through its eyes.
Putting the worst of people together and letting it
outweigh the good.


But here's the new reveal for me; people aren't
one dimensional. They aren't 'evil' or 'out to get you,'
necessarily, no matter how clear cut that appears.

It's complicated. I keep going back to not trusting
that basic truth.

And behind their tough exterior and defensiveness;
fragility. The same fear, doubt, humanity, struggle
and all the worst of me, but in different packaging so
that at first it is unrecognizable as similar.


I fear I have discovered too late that my ferocity
was much for what was required. That I see the
true vulnerability that lay in all people, only now that
I have crossed a line that can't be undone.


And yet...I don't know.

I don't know anything, save that I know nothing.


What's the balance between promoting and
caring for self, and keeping others at bay?


I am so frustrated by being unable to simply
step back and 'trust' in life to work itself out.
I don't see a big picture.
I don't see things working out if you don't fight tooth
and nail. I know no one is out for us but us.


How can you push on with life if you have no
basic trust in people? In self? In something
'more than'?


I don't know if I was right or wrong in my
assessment of others' wrongdoing....and I know
even less about the appropriateness of my
actions. Do we stand by and allow hurts to
occur? Do we make mistakes for the greater good?
Do we stand by people we care about no matter what?


I can't get a firm answer on any of it.


I took advice; I made a decision and I acted,
and now I must stand by my decision. I hope
that my hardened heart is not a mistake.
I don't want others to suffer, and I don't want
to be the one to cause pain.


I bought the lie, and believed people to be as strong
as they pretend. I didn't realize that they, like me,
are just doing the best they can....faking it and
treading water.


Would I rather be right, or happy?
Would I rather be strong, or kind?


I wish I knew what was right, even for a moment.
I wish I had a reset button, or could do a mindmeld.


I wish I knew if apologies were any good.
(I wish I weren't concerned that I never got any as
a rationale for not handing any out.)

It's hard to forgive, and open yourself back up
to hurt and vulnerability.

I'm torn between wanting to take care of others
and taking care of self, because frankly, the
two seem mutually exclusive.

Can it be that you can reach out to others and
show kindness, even without trusting them?
Like everything else in life, I'm unsure.
I pray for my strength--and others'--every day.

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