Let's just eliminate all the bullshit, shall we?







Saturday, November 27, 2010

Thanksgiving

It's hard to overcome something like obsessive thoughts, or feelings
of not measuring up. Especially so in a world where people are
taught to evaluate themselves and others by standards of achievement
and excess. But I've been working hard at it these last few months.

My depression has stayed pretty resilient these last weeks, what
with dashed plans and health issues and the loss of several young
friends (and yet another beloved fur baby.) But I continue to strive
and do my best, venturing forth to put my foot into the world.

I sought past old habits and crutches for a solution to this week's
loneliness. Prior to 'The Day,' I sent out a humorous holiday e-mail,
despite feeling less than inspired. I hoped it might lift others' spirits
at least! On Thursday, I sought out service people who had to
work on the holiday, and extended well wishes to them.

I visited the folks at the nursing home who had no family, and just listened
to them tell what was on their mind. The hospital wouldn't allow me to
visit patients without relatives since it would 'violate their privacy'
(huge eye roll!) and then I made calls to my nearest and dearest to
let them know I was thinking of them.

I ended up with a visit to probably my favorite AA group,
mostly because I was in the mood for not being alone at night.
To my delight, they had leftovers, so I got to eat some good
groceries, too! Everyone went around and claimed what they were
grateful for, which actually kind of bummed me out. It just reminded
me of what I'm facing and what I feel I've lost. But I determinedly
avoided discussing any specifics, and tried to stay upbeat.

Point is, I made a concentrated effort at not giving in to my 'typical'
thinking. It's really hard to be supportive of others when you can't
stop crying or wishing you were dead. Faking it and not allowing
the depression to rule is a full-time job. No one wants to hear it, and
it isn't as though talking about it alleviates anything, anyway. People
avoid you, you feel like you can't relate to people, people stigmatize
and dismiss you, they don't want their kids near you, you get dis-invited
from places...it isn't a party.

But even though isolation is more comfortable and desirable, it isn't
rewarding.

It's difficult, putting yourself out there, trying, revealing yourself any
little bit when your mind is obsessed with the pain of loss, of betrayal,
of judgment.....but others are hurting too.

I can't know what--if any--effect my activity had on another person
feeling less lonely, but I tried. No guarantees on the mud ball; my
best efforts are what I have to offer. I'm working on letting that be
enough.

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