Let's just eliminate all the bullshit, shall we?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Sobriety, Sanity, & Serenity

What a long, strange trip it's been.

A year ago today, I planned to end my life.

I was so completely exhausted from pain,
circumstances, despair, depression, and
hopelessness that I could not even imagine
a way out. I saw death as the only possible
release for my suffering.

Drugs, alcohol, materialism...all the things I
had used to dull and ignore my pain had ceased
being effective. I felt trapped and burned out.
I felt unloved, unlovable, and worthless.

And then someone showed me they cared,
by giving a little of their time and compassion.

Such a simple thing, the thought of our
being attentive to another human being's needs.
But what a difference it can make.

In my isolation and loneliness, I needed to
have a very real indicator of someone being
interested in whether I lived or died. Sadly,
I was at a place where self-care was no longer
in place.

Through the programs of Alcoholics Anonymous,
Al-Anon, and Narcotics Anonymous, I found
people who understood my issues, my pains,
my fears. I found some people willing to talk,
willing to listen, and who didn't judge.

There have been many conflicts in the last 365,
both in and out of my association with these
groups, but that very conflict often sparked the
changes I needed to go through to find my true
strength and true voice.

I have been growing and changing...rebirthing.
Sometimes messy, often loud, mostly painful.
But it was worthwhile to work my way through
the train wreck of my life and find that I can
be a part of the world.

To know that I am worthy and blessed.

To experience contentment and peace.

To know how to reasonably interact with
others without expecting or demanding.

To be accepting of where others are at,
and the choices they have made.

To put and keep the focus on me, and
(paradoxically) then having something to
offer others.

It isn't easy. Nothing worth doing ever is.
But being clean and sober has allowed me
to learn and discover and think and feel.
Frightening as it has been, I am grateful
for every moment. The 'good,' the 'bad,'
and the 'in between.'

It's all a tapestry. I'm not finished...hell,
I'm barely started. But after all these stops
and starts....I'm ready to move forward.

I'm grateful to the Universe--whatever
it wishes to be called--for providing the
people, places, circumstances, and tools
to bring me right where I need to be.

Thank you.

We are none of us alone.
Let me remember that anytime, anywhere....
I am responsible for my brothers and
sisters on this planet. I hope that I will
recognize and meet the need in others like
I was blessed with outreach.

The ability to take charge of our life
is within all of us. Take action...ask for
what you need. Leave yourself open to
the possibility that things can change.

"Though no one can go back and make
a brand new start, ANYONE can start from
now and make a brand new end."

There is hope.

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