Let's just eliminate all the bullshit, shall we?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Ex-Gay Ministries part 2

So, my adventures in trying to 'undo' what had been
surreptitiously done to me by a multitude of risk factors
and issues and turmoils was underway.

I was so wrapped up in attaining this sense of 'healthiness'
as it was expressed to me that I became obsessed. My
desire to be accepted and a part of the larger society was
something my raging-hormone affected teen-aged brain
could get wrapped up in, and it did.

I turned away from my thoughts, my feelings, my friends,
and held to this ideal of how I was 'supposed' to be. I
prayed for release from the bondage of my now sinful
thoughts. I read on how so many different things had led to
my desires and they were not natural. I surrounded myself
with people who were also Christ-centered and allowed no
other influence into my life.

But I didn't change.

I liked the attention and the conditional acceptance and the
not worrying about what to say and do. I liked the idea of
being part of something so big and 'important' with the group
and the fellowship. I especially liked thinking that I was doing
right and being the person I was supposed to be, according to
everyone else's version of God.

But all I felt at the end of the day was scared, alone, guilty,
ashamed, unloved, unaccepted, duplicitous, phony, and
angry. I had a burning discomfort in my soul and stomach
every time I pretended to not think and feel the way I really
did. The idea of ignoring attraction and condemning beauty...
the notion that the loving care I had for someone was a horrible
thing was tearing me up.

I gave it my all. I really, really did. I know those that disagree
with my conclusion that the ministries don't work will feel I
didn't try hard enough, didn't truly want to change, didn't give
it long enough, or some other rationale.

I don't feel the need to promote the amount of tears, debate,
and anguish I suffered through in order to try and change.
As they say; no one would choose to live as a member of
such a maligned minority...and they're right. But I chose truth.

The truth is I don't believe change is possible. I also don't think
it's necessary or desirable, but I'll get back to that.

I do believe that there are people out there who so desperately
want to be someone besides who they are, that they can work
hard enough at it that they can live 'successfully' as people who
suppress their thoughts and feelings and live another life. I don't
think it's spiritually, emotionally, mentally, or physically healthy,
but if you want anything badly enough and are willing to face the
consequences, then so be it. We all have a right to choose.

We can convince ourselves of whatever we need to to survive.

My fear is that people make decisions out of fear and shame,
rather than what they truly want. However, in our culture, being
able to differentiate between what society dictates and what we
want can be a perilous and difficult prospect.

The mind is a powerful tool, and we can determine many things
for ourselves with enough will-power. Others may believe enough
in God or have a relationship with God that sufficiently allows for
devotion to be enough to make the difference. I fear these are the
time-bombs, though, who after many years of happy smiling and
pretending finally snap and hurt themselves and/or others. It's the
slow death of spirit that hurts me when I think of these suffering

Most evidence points to true 'transformation' of feelings to be
and invalid claim. That the people who claim such things later
recant and admit they were caught up in the desire to please others
by saying what was expected of them. That the idea of being loved
and accepted was enough to substitute for real sexual passion. That
they were lying to fit in.

I don't believe God "relieves" us of same-sex attractions because I
feel they are our God-given sex-powers to start with, and God doesn't
make junk.

I should point out too that there is a fluid continuum of sexual
interest in humans. It's most widely known depiction is the Kinsey
Scale, detailing the sexual desires of people as falling somewhere
on a scale between the extremes of absolute heterosexuality on one
side and absolute homosexuality on the other. Most people fall
somewhere in the middle, regardless of what they would openly
admit to anyone.

So, I don't discount the possibility of others finding it possible to
either start off attracted to members of the opposite sex, nor to
becoming attuned to such an attraction. I can only speak to my
experience, which is 99.9% homosexual attraction.

And it isn't exclusively sexual in nature. The love of my life is
someone I never touched. The love and devotion for him may
have a sexual component to it, but the romantic aspect is deep
on so many other levels. Sex is not about simply needed to
culminate a sexual desire.

Something else that doesn't get discussed a lot; adaptability.
Men are notorious for being able to find attraction in anyone,
anywhere, as means of meeting physical release. Immediate or
deeper attraction isn't really an issue. And women have proven
equally adaptable in terms of being able to develop attractions to
allow for other needs being provided. Having sexual attraction
up front is not always necessary for making a go of things.

...to be continued.....

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