Let's just eliminate all the bullshit, shall we?







Wednesday, February 2, 2011

CONFESSIONAL on LONELINESS


I enjoy my own company, mostly. (That doesn't take into account Psycho-Killer mode, but, you know, otherwise.)

I am not, however, oblivious to the machinations of my own mind. To wit:

*I know I hate inclusiveness in part because I have never belonged (nor see myself as possible candidate to ever be a part of what-have-you.)

*I know my aversion to relationships and bonds and commitments is because I don't believe any of them to be real...at least not for me.

*I know I promote an air of intolerance to keep people at a distance because that is more comfortable than the anxiety and risk of them being otherwise.

*I reject others first so that I am spared the inevitable rejection.

And so on...
Let's just illustrate with the perfect example of my insanity and emotional upheaval.

I have this friend....
Well, let's call him a friend for the sake of argument.
I don't know what to consider him.

He has been--at alternating times--a miserable bastard, one of the most beloved persons I have known, a good guy, a regular Joe who's nice to talk to, a potential friend, an object of my affection (although certainly the opposite wasn't true,) a connection to salvation, and generally a "real piece of work."
Depending on what mood I'm in at the time. (Or, what mood he was in at the time I was in my mood.) Anyway; we're acquainted. Other than that, I haven't a fucking clue what label to use.

So this friend (for the sake of argument) has some real issues with consistency of emotion. (Right, I know. Maybe I notice it because I suffer too, but who am I to speak, right? Anyway....) We have this never-ending up-down, come here-go away, yes-no thing going on with our friendship. One moment offering encouraging words and a helping hand, the next defensively posturing with seething hate and resentments. One moment oblivious to one another, one moment playing mind games to inflict injury.

I think we are drawn to one another because we are very similar in some ways (which are our problem areas; not a good basis for forming relationships,) and we are very different in other areas (the general areas that people tend to find common ground on. Differences are initially interesting in relationships, but unless both persons are really strong, it's bad in the long run.) Kind of a bad mix!

I should point out that this is, despite appearances, a platonic relationship. (As if those are any easier for me to maintain than another. Intimacy is intimacy, at the end of the day.)

So it finally occurs to me as I notice I've been obsessed for days over the latest drama that transgressed, that there must be more to it than the surface level. I start to dig to try and figure out what is at the base of all the bullshit and childish petulance. I came up with a lot...unfortunately. Instead of a diatribe on each, I'm just gonna break it down to brass taxes, and keep it simple. It's pretty self-explanatory anyway.

* How could you care about someone, and then stop?

* Why am I not good enough?

* Why couldn't you just be honest with me?

* Is this how it feels for other people when I turn on/turn off my feelings on the outside based on what's going on inside?

* Did you lie when you said you cared, or are you lying when you act like you don't?

* I have real love for him. If I didn't, it wouldn't have hurt so bad to have been hurt by the lack of reciprocity.

* I do know that my hurts, resentments, etc are all open to interpretation. Hurt may not have been intended in all the actions taken.

* A lot of this could have been avoided by open, direct, honest discussion of the original slights (real or perceived.)

* Part of it's jealousy that others know him better and are well regarded. Part of it's insecurity that I am not the kind of person who makes a good friend.

* I have overlooked (ignored) my own pettiness when dealing with him because it's embarrassing to acknowledge that a grown person can be so stupid. I am equally responsible.

* I don't like myself very much, and thus 'every little thing' is perceived as rejection and criticism.

* Probably, he doesn't like himself very much either. That should be grounds for grace, not a weakness to be attacked.

* Anger is a convenient, posturing, face-saving bullshit emotion, only serving to cover up pain and hurt.

*If either of us were to leave this world today--or simply be unable to see one another again--this negativity and crazy horseshit is NOT how I want things left.

The question is, when I approach him to attempt reconciliation, will my resolve be sufficient if he's still defensive about our last go-round? I have to be strong and determine it will be.

He is a friend, if truth be told. (Obviously.) We all make mistakes. How can I question his place in my life just because I'm afraid of the risk? Just because I've been angry at his perceived shortcomings, while failing to admit my own?

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