Let's just eliminate all the bullshit, shall we?

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Blow Me Down: The Celibacy Thang


I continue to struggle with the whole sex 'problem.' Now, sex itself is a beautiful thing; natural, wondrous, connective, pure. But like anything else in the hands and mind of an addict, it can be horribly misused. I've got a tiny bit of resentment over the fact that one of the most exquisite tactile experiences we can manage is a big fugging quagmire for me.

But alas, I'm not alone! :) (Shhhh!)

One of the things that twists my nuts (and no, not in a good way) is other people's hangups about sex affecting how they perceive me. Now, I'm still working on the whole issue of not being bothered by other people and their drama. But until that day arrives, I'm easily irked by other people's countless misinterpretations of my actions--or inactions. The drama, the assumptions, the projections, the miscommunication,....hell, the whole enchilada.

So let's get a few things straightened out for the record. (Knowing that even as I write this, I am merely producing more grist for the rumor and gossip mill. Okay, okay;so under the finely honed cynic's skin is a pure optimist.)

I am currently in a self-imposed state of celibacy.

This is a topic I typically touch on casually when the subjects of dating, sex talk, attractions, etc. are brought up in a conversation with someone at least somewhat known to me. And that's when the trouble ensues. It's a natural point of interest to state this fact as opposed to continuously avoiding specific questions and trying to be vague or coy.

I appreciate and aspire to directness in all things.

But it does lead to a lot of convoluted sidestepping, since not everyone is on the same page with their own journey. So, I'd like to take a moment and share for the purpose of clarity.
I am celibate.....


* This does NOT mean that I am hard up (pun intended) and simply a big loser who can not get a date. It is a choice for me. It doesn't mean that I am biding my time and pretending not to be interested in sex. Sex is available any time, any place, through any means. Don't be dense. (I also know how to drive to a community where sex is not an evil word!)

* This does not mean that I am NOT interested in sex. I love sex. it's awesome. It's also got a lot of trouble that can get attached to it real quick, especially in the gay 'world.' People having sex as contest, for cruelty, for self-esteem issues, for sport, etc., but NOT as a real and loving way of connecting with others. But that's only one gripe I have with external stimuli.

* I am NOT trying to impress you. Being celibate is not a noble endeavor nor do I want accolades or for anyone to think well of me. Truly, I don't get a rat's ass about other's opinions; that position is greater than the occasional self-consciousness. I also don't respect most other people's priorities or code of conduct, so even if I were sensitive, their opinions would still be of no consequence.

* I am NOT celibate as part of a numb-nutted and numb-minded 'morality' play, nor do I tell people that I'm celibate to make them feel bad about themselves. (Personally I feel that people in this world give far too much power to others in the realm of allowing themselves to feel poorly.)

* I am NOT a physically affectionate person as a sublimation of my sexual desire! (Translation; I am NOT feeling you up and getting a contact high by virtue of a hug or standing next to you!) I am a very loving and expressive person, and I love hugs and handshakes. If you don't, you're not EVER obligated to reciprocate. (That goes for all persons.) And, I am not always in the same emotional place; if I don't feel touchy-feely, I'll let you know. Not everyone is into touch. Their reasons, or mine, are no one's business.

* It is NOT a ploy to get more tail, as there are some sick folks who will try and entrap you with many different skillful lines (such as being a virgin, never having been with a man/woman before, etc.) (Although I will admit to wearing a wedding band in gay bars at one point in my illustrious past as a surefire method of getting a sack full of peter. Hey, don't hate the player.)

Back to the point; it's not a lie to induce seduction.

* It is not an effort to make YOU think about sex by mentioning the topic indirectly! IT IS NOT, NOT, NOT! Do you tell me you have kids to let me know how many times you've procreated? I hope not. Do you wear a wedding ring so people can imagine you getting a piece of your wife? I hope not. Do you joke about e-mails advertising Viagra because you hope to start a visualization on whether everyone is flacid or not? Goddess, I HOPE not. So please don't assume a defect in my character or a dark motive for my genuine and sedate topic of conversation. (If YOU begin imagining 'what' my celibacy means, and how it breaks down, and the minutia, then perhaps YOU have a problem!?!? Hmmm!?)

It is simply a decision I have made for my own peace of mind and to simplify my life.

If I know what my parameters are, then i don't have to worry about being caught off guard. If I know what my boundaries are, then YOU don't have to wonder what's going on. If I want to spend time with people, and know that it is definitely for my company and no tacit expectation or implied promise, that's of tremendous benefit to my self esteem.

I know people all over who try and fill that emptiness inside with continuous acts of a sexual nature. (Male and female, hetero and homo and undecided.) It's never enough. There's always lingering doubt. There's never enough love implied or exposed. Jealousy still reigns. The sheets are always 'greener' in someone else's bed. Or if they're obsessed with one person and "what they can do for them," there's never an end to needing THAT validation. It's endless...an emotional rabbit hole.

The difficulty is that we went from one extremist swing of the pendulum in this country straight to the other. Severe shifts of consciousness and action are necessary in order to alter things, but in order for healthy standards to arise, there must be a middle ground reached. An accommodation. There's something more than the suppressed and oppressed religious morays that create self-hate and self-abuse and relegate sex to an evil beast that must be denied and condemned and arrested. There's something more than a lackadaisical attitude about giving yourself away to anyone who shows you the least kindness or lustfulness and disallowing a need for true intimacy.

It's not easy. I'm bombarded every day by images, memories, ideas, and real live people that bring the suggestion to the forefront of my...mind. It's just human nature. Not acting on my feelings doesn't mean I don't find people desirable. It doesn't mean I'm so Zen that I can sublimate my desires. It means that I'm in charge of what I do or don't do. It's a path I've chosen to be on until I work out some very important spiritual matters of significance. (That's significance for me; no presumption made that anyone else planetside gives a hot shit.)

It's very clarity-inducing and uplifting. I have learned a lot and become much more attuned to what my exact rationale behind sexual activity and patterns in my life were. Knowing your motives and facing your fallacies and confusions is a powerful and scary enterprise. But ultimately worthwhile.

Why do I talk openly about something private? Because the more we discuss things that are considered taboo and inappropriate, the more readily people can deal with them. Gotta break down those barriers. We're in such a mess in this country in the first place because people can't talk about normal sexual desire....and haven't for a very long time. There's a schism in people's mind, and it isn't healthy. We have pregnancies and STDS in our high schools in greater than ever numbers because some folks felt uncomfortable about addressing real world issues, and abstinence ONLY was promoted as a viable idea for how to answer kids' curiosity about their desires. GRADE; F-

Religion and the church have placed a stranglehold on sexuality and co-opted it as being a litmus test for Godliness. Just keep your damned laws off my body.

Is this something I promote like a religion? Nah, not at all. It's just me. I can't speak for anyone else what they 'should' do, or what would work best for them. I don't mind telling my premise for my decision, and sharing how and why it has worked. I am all for sharing how easy it is to substitute easily available sex for lacking in other areas. I don't mind talking with folks about the nature of human sexuality, or a culture that is disproportionately transfixed by sex (to either extreme.) But hey, do me a favor; don't launch into any raunchy stories to bust my chops!

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